


Since You've Been Gone

by Juliette_Silvers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Future, Break Up, F/F, How Do I Tag, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pretty Setter Squad, Sad Sugawara Koushi, Sad with a Happy Ending, Supportive Oikawa Tooru, Teacher Sugawara Koushi, daichi calls him late one night, oikawa is gorgeous and he knows it, suga moves away and loses touch with the team
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25723588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette_Silvers/pseuds/Juliette_Silvers
Summary: When the third-years of Karasuno head off to school, they all lose touch with the Team Mom™. On his own and slowly suffocating, Sugawara tries to forget everything he can about volleyball and the members he held so dearly. Hurt from heartbreak, he's ready to move on with life. But then he gets a phone call.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka
Comments: 64
Kudos: 284





	1. Days Aren't Quite So Bad

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome! this is kinda just a vent fic as well as something i can easily end if life gets too hectic. there's my warning. but yeah, chapter count might change, updates might not be consistent, but the writing shall (hopefully) be good! enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter, here we go. warning, this has not been edited at all even though it should be and i wrote this at 3am last night so there will probably be a lot of mistakes. enjoy!

High school had been quite a blast for Sugawara Koushi. Even though Karasuno was never able to win Nationals during his time there, he had been happy. Even though such a talented first-year had replaced him, it had been fun, and he had been happy.  
  
That’s what he had told himself every time a dark thought would creep up on him and try to chain him down. He was happy. He was smiling and laughing so he was happy.

That was how his high school years had ended. He was happy. Happy and healthy and in love. And then he moved away to college. 

Each morning he would try to convince himself that he was happy but the words would often fall flat. He wasn’t as happy as he used to be and he couldn’t fake it.

It was the same thing again today when his exhausted brown eyes gazed back at him in the dirty mirror. The reflective piece of glass could represent the entirety of Sugawara’s life at the moment. His messy apartment, his messy appearance, his messy life.

He looks down at the laminate countertop coated in an inch of grime and the tens of empty product containers that were piling up. Scanning to find his toothpaste, he knocks an old glass foundation bottle onto the cheap flooring. It shatters.

“Oh, for fucks sake!” As if he wasn’t running late for the class already, now he had a huge mess to clean. Shoving his toothbrush in his mouth he starts cleaning pieces of glass. Missing multiple chunks of glass he gives up, tossing the bigger pieces into another old container.

Hastily, he rinses his mouth and begins to nitpick his appearance. He starts dabbing concealer under his eyes and over his blemishes, applying blush and a light highlighter afterward in attempts of hiding his ghastly pale complexion. A layer of mascara to his lashes brushed out brows, and a dot to add definition to his beauty mark later, he is satisfied enough with his makeup.  
  
Running out of the bathroom after realizing the time he does his best to smooth down his hair and the wrinkles in his dress shirt.

“At least it will be covered by my coat,” he mumbles while fumbling with the strap of his bag. After finishing his mental checklist, he flies out the door, the last thing he told himself being that he needed to remember to smile.

He sprints down the steps of his apartment complex, not bothering with the elevator. Leaving the building in a flurry of gray hair and coat, he runs through the streets to get to his lecture on time.

A slight wave of relief washes over him once he steps foot onto the campus of his college. The fall season had donned a nice look on the area, the trees holding beautiful reds and golds in the leaves. Sadly, Sugawara didn’t have time to admire the scenery. 

He continues to rush to his class, worn sneakers squeaking on the waxed floor. Swinging a right off of the main hallway, he reaches the second heavy door on the left and pushes it open. 

Sure to pass a pleasant smile towards everyone, he exchanges hellos with his classmates before making his way up the steps and towards the back of the room. 

An audible huff leaves his lips when he takes his seat and starts to unpack his books and pencil case. His hand blindly reaches into his bag, searching for his thermos filled with warm, steamy coffee.  
  
“Shit,” the boy whispers. It wasn’t there. He hadn’t had time to make or buy the hot bean juice that basically ran through his bloodstream and fuelled his lifeforce. 

It was decided then. This day would be shittier than any of the other days so far this autumn.

“Hello everyone!” The professor enters the room, wasting no time and going straight into the lesson. Sugawara tried his best to be attentive and take notes but holy shit was this class boring.

The lecture was all about the best ways to keep your students engaged and looking forward to lessons. Apparently the teacher didn’t know how to take his own advice.

In less than 15 minutes the once studious high school student had already started to get distracted. Sneaking his phone out of his pocket, he started an audio recording of the lesson before rewriting his past notes in a brand new notebook. Again. For the fourth time that year. 

He gets to work, setting up his coloured pens and highlighters. Mimicking one of the formats he’s seen online, he begins to work away. Having memorized plenty of this content before by repeating this process multiple times, Sugawara was able to rewrite almost half of the old notebook by the time the class was dismissed.

The tidy system he had going gets thrown out the window and all of his materials except for his phone get shoved into his bag. Eager to leave the plain room and get his first dose of caffeine, the male grabs the assignment papers as quickly as possible.

Within a minute he’s outside again. No longer wanting to take in the lovely surroundings of the campus, he heads towards his favourite coffee shop a few blocks away. 

A little bell chimes when Sugawara’s gloved hands push open the glass door. The store wasn’t too loud yet, the rush of students not all there. He immediately gets enveloped in the warmth of the cozy and familiar space.

The shop was one of the few places in his new location where he found a slight bit of comfort. The bustling noises of cups and machines and soft music brought him back to the days of practicing with Karasuno. It was always a bittersweet moment.

“Well, if it isn’t Suga-san!” The bright voice breaks him out of his trance and he moves from the doorway with a sigh.

“Hello, Okamoto-san.” He flashes his smile once again, this time a little less forced at the sight of the familiar barista. 

“The usual?”  
  
“Yes, please.” He starts pulling out his debit card, making sure to give a good tip.

“How were your classes today? Do you have any more today?” Okamoto was a few years older than him, having finished school two or three years earlier.

“Boring as usual.” He takes his latte. “No more for the day though, thank God.” A sip and a sigh of satisfaction.

“I have no clue how you deal with school Suga-san. Going to school just to spend the rest of your working life back in school as a teacher? No way. If it ever gets too much just drop out and join us here, alright!” 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, have a good day!” He leaves the shop with a wave, going back to his apartment, now doing a bit better with the warm cup between his hands. 

His calm demeanor shifts back to the one he had earlier that morning once he steps into the dreary apartment complex. He was never sure if it was the entire building or just his space that made him feel worse, but it was most likely a mixture of both.

People say that your environment has a big effect on your emotions and apparently those people are right. 

He’s invited to a cold and dark room when he enters the apartment. His gaze drifts across the sad little kitchen and living room, spotting dirty remnants from days before.

His hand reaches over and flips on the dingy yellow lights and he drops his bag to the floor. The door closes behind him and he’s locked up with his bad thoughts again. 

Plopping down on the worn couch, Sugawara begins to scroll through his phone idly. It was only 11:00 AM. He had the whole day to laze around in his self-hatred. Woohoo. 

_“HEY MAMA_

_HEY MAMA”_

The ringer of his phone startles him, almost making him drop it. His mother. Well shit. With a groan, he sits up and answers. 

“Hey, Mom. What’s up?”

_“Oh Kōshi dear, how are you doing? Is school going okay? You haven’t called us in a while, you had me and your father worried you know.”_

“I’m doing good Mom!” A lie. “School’s going well, and classes are pretty easy so far. I’m sorry I haven't called. I’ve been spending a lot of time studying.”

_“Oh, that’s good to hear. Have you been staying in touch with the volleyball team? And keeping your apartment clean? Those things are very important.”_

“I’ve been trying to. It’s hard when everyone is so busy with school and training. And the apartment is nice and clean, just the way you’d like it.” More lies. 

_“That’s alright. You’ll meet up with the boys soon, I’m sure. And good. Me and your father were planning on coming to visit you soon. What day works best for you?”_

They wanted to visit? He’s fucked. “Um, let me check here.” He pulls out his planner, flipping through light pages to find the next week. “I’m free all of the 21st?”

_“Oh that’s just perfect, we’ll come up then!”_ She sounds so happy. _“I have an appointment I need to get to so I have to go. We’ll talk soon, and see you on the 21st! Bye Kōshi, love you!”_

“Bye Mom, love you too.” The call ends and the male just wants to die at this point. He lied to his mother about almost everything. 

Looking around, he realizes his mother would kill him herself if she were to see the state of his apartment. Suddenly feeling a burst of unusual motivation he gets to work. It’s a good thing that he has the rest of the day. 

Three hours and two massive loads of laundry later, the main living area of the apartment was actually looking decent. 

The kitchen sink was no longer filled with dirty cups and cutlery. The garbage and recycling that held tens of old take out containers had been taken out to the dumpster. There was no longer a two-foot-tall stack of papers and books balanced precariously on any open surface. You could finally see the slight charm the space had to offer. 

Still high on his kick of motivation, Suga decides to skip a break and move on to the disastrous bathroom, recycling bin in hand. It takes over half an hour just to sort through what product containers needed to go and what ones were still good. Most of them were going. 

Looking into a clean mirror for the first time in weeks had shocked him. His skin was lighter than he remembered, cheeks more hollow. Even with those more negative factors of his appearance, there was a glow to him. Maybe the environment really was what made him feel shitty. 

He kept working, finishing all of the cleanings by 6:00 PM. He even washed the floors. Impressed by himself, he takes a seat on his now-clean couch, exhausted. This will probably be the first and last time that this apartment will get cleaned like that while he’s here.

Now hungry after all the work he did, Suga chooses to just order take out, something he’s been doing more and more. Another thing his mother wouldn’t like. 

The delivery guy comes and goes and so does the food. Actually making sure to clean up his dishes to not ruin his progress, the male is left with nothing else to do for the night except writing the notes from today. And finish the new notebook he started. 

All set up in front of his coffee table, he starts listening to the recording he took of the lesson and jotting down quick and sloppy notes into his first book. Skipping the process of fancy colours and tidy formatting, the first book is all about getting every bit of information. 

After a long and boring re-run of his teacher’s slow lesson, the rough notes get complete. He uncrosses his legs, stretching them underneath the table with a groan. 

Standing up, he heads to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. He waits in silence as the kettle comes to a boil, resting against the counters. The day had gone by faster than he thought it would. Maybe because it hadn’t been as terrible as he thought it would be. 

For the first time in a long time, he felt productive. Felt like he was more than just a zombie going through the same dark routine each day.

With a warm cup of tea in hand, he goes back to his study area and continues with his notes. Each book is designed differently, something he learned to do from helping some of the volleyball club members. 

The first one was rough notes to use as reference and provide basic info. The second one followed his preferred format of notes, the third sticking to the Cornell note style. The new one he started today was designed to help students like Tanaka, Hinata, and Kageyama, who all had difficulty memorizing content and staying motivated to study.

These books might just be his favourite thing he’s made. They’re his way of proving to some unknown judgemental asshole that he is good at something and will be able to help people. That he can be the proper senior he wished he could’ve been in high school. 

“Why do I keep thinking back to the volleyball team today?” Suga mutters while smacking his head. He turns to look out the large window, the sky now an inky black with speckles of light. 

His head leans back onto the sofa, looking up towards the ceiling. Volleyball. It had always been his passion, even if he wasn’t the best at it. His teammates, his friends had made him better. And he let them go. Even Daichi. 

“No more thoughts about volleyball!” With a frustrated sigh, he pulls a pillow off the couch and smacks himself in the face. “Let’s just focus on school, dealing with my job, and keeping this apartment decent.”

Even though it was only 9:30 at night, a strong wave of fatigue hits him hard. Cleaning really was more work than it should have been. Never again did he want to clean like that. 

Deciding to be smart and healthy for once, Sugawara calls it a night and goes through his evening routine. In a pair of boxers, he climbs into his small bed and bundles himself in the stack of 6 blankets, enjoying the fresh and clean smell. 

_If days like this keep on happening, I might just be okay._


	2. What Happened to a Nice, Cozy Autumn?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the day just keeps getting worse for suga. and it ends with one of his worst nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo i actually wrote something for this again, go me. this has not been edited and was once again written late at night (or early in the morning if you'd rather say that). i will warn you now that Team Mom™ is just gonna suffer more

The days did not keep happening.

For two days after that great and productive day, it had been pouring rain non-stop. Sugawara had to walk to school, sit in class absolutely soaked, then walk back home in the rain. Definitely not his idea of a good time.

When he woke up the third day and it was raining, he was done with this shit. Just because he knew this was normal autumn weather didn’t mean he had to like it. And he didn’t. 

Going through his routine, he starts putting on his makeup in the somewhat-clean mirror. Even after 2 days of shitty weather, the apartment had already begun to go back to the way it had been before. 

He’s finished getting ready on autopilot, not thinking about anything in the process. Pulling himself grudgingly towards the door, he tries his hardest to bundle into his cheap rain jacket.

He steps out and locks his door with a sigh, already very unhappy with how the day is going to go. Always the negative.

With his bag wrapped up in a plastic bag and umbrella in hand, he makes a break for the school, running the entire way there. Water seeps into his old sneakers and splashes up onto his pants. The umbrella does little to nothing in attempts to keep its owner dry from the dreary weather.

He turns a corner and the school moves into his sight, slight relief washing over the male. Picking up the pace, he sprints the last 200 meters, slamming into the door to push it open.

He stands there in the lobby, soaking wet and breathless. Trying his best to shake out his umbrella and ring out his clothes, the floor beneath him becomes a puddle.

With another sigh, he heads to his lecture hall, following the familiar layout of the building. Again smiling at his classmates as he walks in, he takes his place at the back of the room. 

Having yet looked at the board, he begins pulling out his materials and his sweet, sweet coffee. That he didn’t forget. With his phone set up with the voice recording app open, he glances towards the front of the classroom, overwhelmed by the content displayed on the whiteboard. 

“Oh fuck me…” A few other unique curses fall from his lips as he reads over both the in-class and out-of-class work. Not even 5 gallons of nice, hot coffee could make this day better. 

“Hello, hello everybody!” The teacher waltzes in, a smirk plastered on his face. This bastard. “As you can see, we have plenty of things to get through today, so let’s not have any problems, alright? Good!” 

With how pissy Sugawara is, he is not about to worsen his mood by receiving bad grades. He starts his audio recording and tries his best to keep up with the stupidly fast pace of his jerk of a teacher. 

The male does his best but after only 20 minutes the content is flying above his head, no understanding coming to him at all. It's all he can do to hope to write down everything being said or the things written on the board.

Anytime someone raises their hand for clarification they get shut down with a “Later,” or “It can’t be that important, let’s move on.” An awful way to teach teaching. 

The grey-haired male prays that he was able to jot down enough information when the professor moves on to explain the assignment. The ridiculously big and stupid assignment.

He wasn’t even sure what it would be on, he was so confused by the class. The lecture jumped all over the place, going from teaching to grading to dealing with parents.

Answering the wishes of all of the students, the class ends. With his notebook full and coffee empty, Sugawara starts to pack up. He reaches for his phone and feels his heart drop. The screen read “You have run out of storage on this device. Upgrade or cleanout to record.” Only the first 5 minutes of the class got recorded. 

Frustrated and exhausted, he stomps down the steps towards the front of the room. He grabs the thick packet of papers before leaving the classroom he hates oh-so-much. “This day just can’t get worse, could it?” 

The rain is still falling when he steps out, though it is only a drizzle at the moment. Taking this to his advantage, the male runs back to his apartment to try and stay dry.

He wastes no time stripping off his wet clothes once he gets to his house, changing into loose sweatpants and a t-shirt. The old clothes get left in a soggy pile near the door. 

Placing his bag onto the coffee table while wishing the work would just disappear, Sugawara starts making another cup of coffee before he has his shift at work. He tries his best to saviour every sip of his main life source before what would probably be an awful night on the job.

It doesn’t take too long for the cup to empty and with a groan the male heads to his room to change into his work uniform. The stiff collared shirt and dress pants always made him uncomfortable. It didn’t help that he felt the need to wear stronger makeup at work. 

A darker mascara, stronger blush, and concealer and actual pigment on his eyelids make him dread the evening but enjoy his appearance a little bit more. In his eyes, the makeup was necessary for him to look even slightly attractive. 

He adds an extra spritz of hairspray to keep his unnatural gray hair in place before leaving the bathroom. Putting back on his useless jacket and grabbing his umbrella, he heads out the door.

As he jogs in the rain to his bus stop, he questions his entire academic capability when he realizes he should have just brought his clothes in a bag and changed at work instead of showing up soaked without anything to change into. Fuck.

The bus comes quickly, splashing water into the male’s shoes while stopping. Socks squeaking from the moisture, he climbs on the bus with a sigh. Taking a standing spot right near the entrance, he spends more time on his phone in attempts to kill time. He pays no attention to anyone around him, too exhausted to care.

Sooner than he hoped, the bus gets to his stop, leaving Sugawara with three and a half blocks to walk in the storm. Fun fun times.

Like on the bus, the male has reached the point of not caring and ends up walking the rest of the way. As long as his makeup wasn’t ruined because of the weather, he would live. 

Although he should have felt some relief at the sight of his workplace, it filled him with more dread. He still felt like this night would be even worse than the day had been so far. 

He pushes open the staff entrance with a groan and immediately crinkles his nose from the smell. As a nice, fancy restaurant, one would think the whole place would be clean and pleasant. That was the case except for the basement and staff area, which held a gross decaying smell. One more negative thing to add to the day’s worth.

Quickly as to not be late, he does his best to dry off with the cheap paper towels and fix up his appearance in yet another dirty mirror. Once decent enough, he makes his way up the stairs greeting some of the kitchen staff before heading to the dining room. 

“Sugawara-san, good to see you! How were your few days on break?” Ito Himari, one of the waitresses, does her best to make small talk with the quiet and classy server. There are staff rumors that she’s planning on asking him out, though he would never agree. He doesn’t need or want a relationship. 

“Hello, Ito-san. They were quite nice, thank you. Has business been well?” He tries to stay pleasant towards the girl but silently hopes that she picks up that he isn’t interested. At all.

“Oh… Well, work’s been good, I guess.” Her mood visibly shifts down with her crush’s apathy towards her. 

“Good to hear. I’ll get to work then.” Sugawara walks off without another word, heading to sign in for his hours and check his section of the restaurant. 

Right away, the hostess seats him with a group of ladies and he gets to work. His section fills quickly as it always does, mostly by women. This was always a common occurrence as he is often requested as a server for his looks and the hosts don’t tend to refuse.

With enough flirting to fuel three years of high school gossip, hours pass by. Tables come and go and Sugawara grows more and more tired with each step. His mood worsens again when he spots sight of the time. It was only 7:30. 

He keeps up with his job, not letting any customers or co-workers notice his irritation. The only nice thing about this job and the flirting is that he earns damn good tips.

It's about 9 o’clock when his night does get worse. A new server in training turns around into him while holding a tray of wine glasses. That were all full of red wine. The liquid runs down his recently dried white dress shirt and onto the floor.

The poor girl looks at him, eyes terrified and glazed with tears. Apologies stumble out her mouth at a rapid speed and anyone could tell she was willing herself to not cry.

“Hey, hey.” As much as he too wanted to cry at this point he understood the mistake. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Are you alright? You didn’t get cut by any of the glass, did you?”

She shakes her head slightly and he sighs with relief. By now a few other servers as well as the manager had come over, checking in on tables seated nearby and beginning to clean up the mess of glass and wine.

“Sugawara-san. You go change your shirt, there should be a box filled with new ones in the office.” His manager offers him a tense smile. “Be quick.”

He sends a nod before heading to the staff area, ankles and feet burning with pain. He starts undoing the buttons of his shirt while searching the boxes for a top of the proper size. The old one was ruined, nothing would be able to get the stains out.

Finding a men’s medium, he takes off the old shirt and tries to wipe his chest with the cheap paper towels. The pigment from the drink had even stained his pale skin. Sadly these stains were the least of his worries.

He gingerly takes a seat, pulling off his shoes and socks. Small slivers of glass were stuck in the bare skin of his ankles. his feet were already starting to bruise, blooming blues and purples forming across the flesh.

Making the poor decision, he wraps up his ankles with stored bandages and puts his things back on. Not even being gone five minutes, the silver-haired male goes back to the main part of the restaurant. 

The newbie that had caused the collision apologies a few more times and he does his best to hide the pain he’s feeling.

Quickly as his manager had asked, he gets back to work. Even in the short time he was gone, his customers had become needy and impatient. Knowing he could with most of the patrons, Sugawara does his best to charm his way to forgiveness. It seems to work.

The hours continue to pass slowly as his hurt turns to pain to agony. But still, it nears midnight by the time the manager lets him go. 

The male just hopes to head home and with that intention in mind, he begins his cold and gloomy walk to the bus stop. He doesn’t even bother with the umbrella, accepting that he was bound to get soaked anyway.

His hands are shaky and cold by the time he has to lift his keys to the apartment lock. Any normal person that had been injured or had walked through freezing cold rain would have started to take care of themselves. Something Sugawara didn’t do.

He didn’t shower, didn’t clean or ice his injuries. All he did was change into sweatpants and a massive hoodie that swallowed him up and made a whole pot of coffee. 

“Screw my health,” he mumbles when he imagines his mother lecturing him. “I’m paying too much money to risk failing.”

With a full pot of coffee, as well as a few energy drinks, the student is ready to get to work on his stupid assignment. He may not have understood the lesson but the project was at least more understandable. Just ridiculously long.

In two days, the teacher expected them to write an essay for each scenario they were given describing the steps they would take for each one. Flipping through, he reads over a total of six different skits. So six essays. Shit.

Not wanting to waste any more time, he starts reading through a random scenario more closely, writing down notes as he does so.

Write a point, take a sip of coffee, add another point, more caffeine. The cycle keeps on going until he finishes multiple pages of points and outline material for all six essays. The clock on his phone read 1:42 AM. Not that he really cared about that.

He didn’t care if he had the whole day tomorrow to finish the papers, he was going to get at least two of them done. 

He starts with what he thinks will be the easiest and fastest one. Thankfully he was right. It only took him about 45 minutes to be decently happy with the layout and flow of the writing. He’d do any editing tomorrow when his brain could function somewhat properly.

Deep in dread and slight hatred for his professor, the tired guy starts the second essay. It was more complicated than it should have been. 

Somehow, he still manages to finish it, this time taking over an hour until he was okay with it or just too exhausted and irritated to care. Probably both.

Without thinking, he slides his feet out under the table to stretch and hits them on the empty but hard coffee pot. He lets out a whimper before bringing his abused feet back close to him. They hurt more than he wanted to admit but was too tired and uncaring to do anything. 

He almost fell asleep right then and there, knees curled into him while he cradles his poor feet, papers and coffee cups scattered around him in a chaotic mess. Almost.

The loud and hauntingly familiar ringer blares from his phone. It wakes him up and his stomach drops when the song finally registers with his brain. It was that song.  _ His _ song.

He rests his feet back down and leans forward to see the caller ID, even though he knew who it was. It was Daichi. The gray-haired male had no clue why he would be calling. They hadn’t spoken in over a year.

A year without the man he loved, all because he wasn’t loved back. At least not loved enough.

Even with all the sadness, grief, and anger that washed over him at the sight of the name, Sugawara’s hand went to pick up. He didn’t want to, didn’t need to. But he did anyway. He presses the button.

The song stops playing and there is a terrifying silence. No one makes an effort to say the first words. No one wants to.

Realizing that picking up was a bad idea, the student reaches to end the call. As if reading his mind and knowing him so well, his ex decides then to speak. The sound of his voice breaks him all over again.

_ “Suga? Are you there?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it :)


	3. No Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his worst nightmare comes true and ruins him all over again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update wow! this chapter has actually been edited by the amazing It_Got_Worse so thank you, it really needed it. she also had to deal with me being upset for hurting Suga so much so that is also appreciated. enjoy the pain!

_ “Suga? Are you there?” _ The voice of the man that broke his heart years ago calls out his name once more.

Suddenly, Sugawara feels a strong urge to vomit. The wave of anxiety hits him like a hurricane, the fear of falling for this cruel man again stopping any logical thinking that his brain had been doing.

_ “Hey, Suga?”  _ Daichi calls out again, making his nauseous worse. All he needs to do is hang up. Just hang up. It’ll stop this pain and stop this fear.  _ “Please Suga. Please don’t hang up on me. I need my best friend right now.” _

This makes the student stop reaching his hand to hang up. He takes note of the words “best friend” instead of “boyfriend”. But he was needed? Since when?

The fear he was holding shifts into anger and it's all he can do to not explode at the nerve of his ex.

“When was the last time we talked, Sawamura-san?” He was cold to use a formal name with the man he once loved. “Could you still say we’re best friends? Because I don’t think we can.”

_ “Hold on, Suga, please! I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry, I’ve beat myself up every day since I messed up. But I really, really need you right now.” _

“You didn’t need me when you cheated on me. You didn’t need me when you thought I was overreacting and told me to leave. You didn’t need me then, and I’m sure as hell that you don’t need me now. You don’t have the right to.”

Even though he was the one saying the cruel words, he felt like each one was a blow towards himself. They were reminders of what this man had done to him. How he hurt him.

_ “I know Suga, I know.”  _ The strong man on the other side of the line sounded so broken. So crippled. It was enough to convince him to listen to what he has to say.  _ “I can’t undo what I did. But I can make it up to you, so please let me try to.” _

“What do you need?” Though he was unlikely to care, the disparity in Daichi’s voice made him curious.

_ “Oh, thank God. The team. The team is planning a get-together and we need you there. We can have some beers, play some mock games. Some of the juniors cried when you didn’t show up last year. They miss you. We all miss you. Please Suga.” _

No. No no no. Not his team. The team that supported Daichi more than him in the breakup. They had made him look like the villain and Daichi the victim. 

“I highly doubt that. They haven’t needed me during games in a long time, haven’t bothered to reach out or come to me or even force me to listen to them. If they really missed me they would’ve.”

This entire conversation hurt him. It was like Daichi had a burning hot knife that he then stabbed into Sugawara’s stomach and twisted it. It brought back memories he had tried to forget and move on from. It rebuilt the betrayal he had felt all over again, standing behind him with that hot knife.

The man on the other side of the phone starts to stutter, unsure how to react to the cold and harsh words of the once soft and sweet setter. Suga cuts off his unformed words.

“Be honest with yourself. Do you really think I want to see you after what you did?”

_ “Yes,” _ Daichi breathes.  _ “If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have called in the first place. But you picked up, even after every shitty thing I’ve done to you. That has to mean something, Suga. It has to.” _

Now it was Sugawara’s time to be speechless. Why did he pick up? It was late, he was exhausted and unstable. Why the hell did he think it would be a good idea to pick up? 

_ “Don’t ask yourself that question, Suga.”  _ Even without being in the same room, Daichi could still read him like a book. _ “You know. You miss me. You miss us. Please, just come to the reunion. At least give the team a proper goodbye and some closure if you decide you still don’t want to be involved with us anymore.” _

“You have some real fucking nerve to go and say that, Sawamura-san.” Sugawara’s calm but cold voice is gone, heating up into a fit of fiery anger. “You think you know what’s good for me, what I should do, how I should feel?! You know how I feel! And why the hell do you think you should get closure?! I got nothing from you, except for a pissed off and drunk ‘get out’! You don’t deserve it.”

_ “Suga, Suga, I get that please, but I need to-” _

“Goodbye, Daichi.” The gray-haired male slams his hand on the red “hang up” button. Another call rings in from his ex and he immediately cancels it. A simple text follows the rejected call, giving him the information of the get-together. He doesn’t bother to look at it.

Done with the night, he heads to his bedroom to try and sleep. Not bothering to remove any clothes, he sets his phone beside the alarm clock that read 4:17. 

“This is one of the worst days I’ve ever had.” The whisper settles into the darkness and Sugawara hugs his knees to his chest under the blankets. The emptiness works its way back into his life and he realizes what is making life so awful.

He was so, so lonely. 

When Sugawara wakes up the next morning, he doesn't try to move. He doesn’t want to, doesn’t need to. So he doesn’t. He just lies there, feeling the same emptiness as the night before.

The night that had brought back every bad thing that had happened in the past year. It brought back the strong and vicious and dangerous emotions he felt in 30 minutes. Now, he was empty again.

He’s not really sad as he lays there motionless. He’s tired and broken and nothing. The thoughts in his head run faster than he’d ever been able to, bringing him back to the unwanted conversation.

He did so many things wrong. It had to be his fault that Daichi got drunk and cheated on him. He was the reason it became a long-distance relationship once postsecondary started. Daichi had stayed in Miyagi prefecture, nice and close to home, while Sugawara insisted on going to a school in Tsukuba, Ibaraki, which happened to be over 4 hours away from his boyfriend.

They became distant, something both of them never thought would happen. Between school and part-time jobs, they both struggled to find time for each other. But they had still been happy.

For some stupid reason, Sugawara’s brain decides to help him relive the pain from the night his life fell apart.

_ He had been very excited, having started traveling as soon as his third-year college classes were finished for the day. He hadn’t felt that giddy and happy in a long time but it had been so long since he last saw the love of his life. _

_ He spent 5 hours on the train, fiddling with the keychain that held both his and Daichi’s apartment keys.  _

_ It was late when he finally got to Miyagi, the sky dark and inky. He had felt nervous for some reason, a little worried that Daichi wouldn’t like his surprise. He pushed that thought aside though, still thinking like a young and naive teenager.  _

_ When he got off the station and started the bus ride, a pleasant wave of nostalgia hit him when he was greeted with the familiar environment of his home town.  _

_ He got to Daichi’s complex, excited to see that the lights were still on. He took the stairs up to the apartment and let out a breath he didn’t notice he was holding when he reached the door.  _

_ The door was already unlocked when he went to put the key in so he silently pushed it open, ready to call out his partner’s name. Until someone did it for him. _

_ It was the moans that had come from his boyfriend that made Sugawara really realize what was going on. Sure, he had heard them before, but this wasn’t him that was the cause for them.  _

_ He knew he should have just left. It would have helped ease the pain, given him time for everything to sink in. But he was still like a young and naive teenager. So he walks into the bedroom. _

_ There, in Daichi’s bed,  _ their  _ bed were the two guilty people tangled in the sheets. The girl underneath his partner squeaked in shock at the new arrival of Sugawara, causing Daichi to turn to find the reason for it. And he definitely found it.  _

_ The gray-haired male stood in the doorway, bag in hand and tears on his face. Somehow he managed to find his voice. _

_ “I’ll let you two finish up. A word, once you’re done please, Daichi.” He exited the room, in shock from the unpleasant discovery. The couch squeaked when he sat down. With shaky hands, Sugawara removed one key from his chain. _

_ It didn’t take long for Daichi to stubble out of his bedroom, the girl racing out the door quickly. By the looks of it, the ex-captain had been drinking, meaning that this conversation wasn’t going to be pleasant. He had already looked pissed at the interruption of his “good time”. _

_ Sugawara cleared his throat stiffly, unsure where to start until he blurted out. “I think we need to break up, Daichi.” His heart ached to say those words but it was the obvious truth. _

_ “Good.” He looked up at his maybe-partner, shocked. His tearful eyes met angry and irritated ones.  _

_ “Wait, what? Daichi, I get it’s sudden and you aren’t all here right now, but do you seriously think it's a good thing? Were you waiting for this to happen?” His speech was choppy through sniffles and cries.  _

_ “Well, what just happened wasn’t my fault. It’s a good thing we’re breaking up. I’m done.” The brunet walked over to his fridge to grab what Suga could tell wasn’t his first drink of the night. _

_ “Hold on, it wasn’t your fault?! How the hell was it not?! You didn’t have to get drunk, you didn’t have to  _ take home another person _!” He got up off the couch, fists clenched. _

_ “Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten drunk if you hadn’t moved so far away!” Daichi screamed at him. “Between school and having to keep you happy from over 4 hours away, of course I’m going to be pent up and need to blow it off! Why not take some responsibility for this fucked-up relationship too?!”  _

_ “You think, you think this is my fault?” Sugawara gestured to himself, crying again. _

_ “Of course it is! You and your stupid need to move away, only ever thinking about yourself!” He gulped beer.  _

_ The key in Suga’s hand had been getting harder to hold onto. It was like the one thing keeping them together, but it just wasn’t strong enough. Through more tears, a decision got made. _

_ “If that’s how you feel, then. I really hate to do this Daichi, I love you so, so much.” He placed the key on the counter in front of his new ex. The surprise on the other’s face was evident and the anger was about to blow again.  _

_ “Thank God! To be honest, I’ve been waiting for this to end. You’ve always been so needy and desperate to be loved, all because no one else would! I’ll have you know though,” his voice quieted to a scary whisper, “I never really loved you that much anyway.” _

_ Sugawara froze. “You, you can’t really mean that!” _

_ “I do. Now get out. Get out and remember that this,” he gestured to bottle in his hand, “was all your fault. Get out!” _

_ So he did. Without any more fight, he had left the apartment, completely broken. The cruel words had hurt so badly and continued to echo in his mind. _

_ “I never really loved you that much anyway.” _

_ That harsh day, Sugawara Kōshi had coldly grown up. _

The fact that it felt just like yesterday drove Sugawara to huddle deeper into his blankets. The days he remembers are always the days where he as a person wants to disappear the most. Even the thought of simply existing without purpose made him feel overwhelmed with self-hatred. That was what was happening at the moment. 

_ “I never really loved you that much anyway.” _

_ “You and your stupid need to move away, only ever thinking about yourself!”  _

_ “You’ve always been so needy and desperate to be loved, all because no one else would!” _

They were all more blows, convincing him that it really was his fault that he and Daichi had fallen apart. Daichi wouldn’t have selfishly moved away to attend a very specific school. He would’ve never started drinking without any strong reason. Being in a relationship but not having a relationship seems like a very strong reason.

It was his fault. It was his fault. It was his fault. It was his fault.

The words of his old teammates join in on the painful thoughts. 

_ “Well, I can see where he’s coming from. It is kinda your fault.”  _ Asahi.

_ “You did just leave us even though we all asked you to stay, dude. Understandable that he would be affected the most by your choice.” _ Tanaka.

They pile up more and more. Higher and higher goes the list of intrusive thoughts and lower and lower goes his mental stability. People always say that once you’ve hit rock-bottom, the only way to go is up but somehow, Sugawara just keeps sinking deeper.

He doesn’t leave his bed for the rest of the day. Not bothering to shower or eat or do school work, the cushion and blankets become both a shelter and a prison. The huge assignment is left forgotten in the living room.

The next day, he walks into class with an incomplete assignment for the first time since middle school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for hurting Sugamama so much, i feel like a terrible person


	4. Downhill Fall, Uphill Climb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suga, praying in front of his bed: i need someone to be my friend. someone who won't run away. maybe send me an angel. the nicest angel you have...
> 
> oikawa, bursting through the door with flames behind him: i'm here and i'm fabulous, bitch!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been doing good with updates woo, this one is a bit shorter than the other ones tho so sorry about that. once again, this chapter was edited by my great friend It_Got_Worse . she also had to deal with a guilt ridden me again (i really don't like sad suga but i love it at the same time, its a never ending conflict) so thanks again for that. also, there's a question for you guys in my end notes, i would really appreciate it if you would give me your thoughts! i hope you enjoy!

Sugawara fell back into his unhealthy lifestyle after that day. Minimal effort went into everything he did. Meals became rare, sleep became difficult and inconsistent. 

He stopped going to the homely and comforting coffee shop that soothed his mind, earning a few worried texts from the staff that he ignores. He still forced himself to go to class, knowing his mind would break him even more if he didn’t. 

His teachers and classmates had all noticed the shift in his personality, he could tell, but he just never brought himself to care anymore. 

When the time came that he got to go home, all he would do is lie in bed. His exhausted eyes would meet the blank ceiling in a staring contest. Just like when he played volleyball, he always seemed to lose. What else was new for him. 

After about a week of the dead routine as he’s lying on the couch, not really paying attention to the show on his TV when a cheery knock on his door surprises him. He wasn’t supposed to have anyone visit or deliver today. The knock comes again, mimicking the tune of Anna’s during “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman” leaving him even more confused.

He groans getting up, not thinking at all about his shitty appearance when he opens the door. A very pretty person stands in the doorway, making Suga start to regret his sloppy look. 

“Yahoo! Mr. Refreshing, good to see you again!” One of his old volleyball rivals, Oikawa Tōru stands in front of him, waving his hand dumbly. Seriously?

“Um, Oikawa-san? I don’t mean to be rude but what the hell are you doing here? At my apartment? At midnight?” As appalled and confused as Suga is, he invites the other setter into his home out of common courtesy.

“Am I not allowed to visit my second favourite setter? I’m the first, of course. Your place is a mess by the way, geez. Do you not know how to clean, Suga-chan?” The brunet makes himself at home, slipping off his shoes and wandering around the room.

This guy. He barges into his life with no announcement then insults his cleaning skills? He’s clearly still the same jerk he was in high school. Not really surprising.

“Could you please just tell me why you’re here, Oikawa-san?” Suga sighs as he leans onto the countertop, the standing making him tired already. “And maybe not criticize my lifestyle while you’re at it?”

Oikawa turns to face him with a pout on his lips. “So mean, Suga-chan.” His mouth flattens as he stares holes through the grey-haired male, analyzing everything about him. It was always terrifying when he got quiet like this.

“I was out having dinner at a certain restaurant and heard some of the servers talking about a ‘Sugawara-san’ that works there. I asked about it and confirmed it was you. It didn’t take long after that to get your address, my charms are irresistible. I thought I would come to visit.”

“Really? At midnight?” A look of disbelief settles onto his face. “Wait, why are you even in Tsukuba in the first place?” Without thinking, Sugawara starts to make a pot of coffee, hoping the substance will calm down his sudden nerves.

The intruder freezes at that question, a guilty look flashing over his face before he returns to his pleasant smirk. “I may or may not have heard from some of your teammates and they basically begged me to convince you to go to that reunion they have every year. I didn’t really want to either since I was pretty sure you would have a damn good reason for not showing up, but Chibi-chan looked so sad and Tobio-chan actually got down on his knees to beg. How could I refuse that?”

The pot of coffee finishes and Sugawara pours himself a ridiculously big cup, not even bothering to add milk or sweetener. Oikawa looks at the cup in disgust.

“How the hell do you drink that crap? Geez, it’s so gross unless it has a shit ton of sugar and cream in it. Anyway, judging from this,” he gestures to the room and the other setter’s appearance, “you do have a  _ very _ good reason.”

“And who are you to judge that?” The grey-haired student starts feeling defensive and uncomfortable with the situation at hand. This person that barely knows him outside of volleyball can figure him out with so much as five minutes in his house. He was still as observant as ever.

“I get it, y’know. Feeling like shit all the time. It might be for different reasons, but I get how you’re struggling. And before you try to deny it, almost anyone can tell you’re having a hard time. Though I am curious as to what made such a supportive person like this.”

Realizing he won’t be able to get rid of Oikawa until he talks or agrees to whatever the jerk wants, Sugawara gives in and sits down on the couch, the other setter joining him.

He looks this confusing man in the eyes, completely exhausted and vulnerable.

“Have you ever had your heart broken?” He barely knew this person beside him but as soon as those words left his mouth the dam broke and the truth flooded out. 

After a few tears and a long burst, Sugawara looks back to Oikawa only to regret his entire decision. The brunet was staring blankly at him, brows slightly furrowed. 

Intrusive thoughts greeted him again, attacking him from all sides of vulnerability. 

_ “Why would he care about your stupid problems?” _

_ “He probably thinks it’s all your fault, just like everyone else does.” _

_ “Do you want him to laugh at you? What a joke.” _

“Suga-chan? Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” He gets brought back to reality by both the voice and actions of this intruder. He was  _ hugging _ him and trying to comfort him. And Sugawara couldn’t have been any more grateful for it.

He never knew how much he missed being held by his friends, his family, his Daichi. It was like this wrecking ball coming to tear down his walls every time. 

Of all the people to make him realize this, it was Oikawa Tōru. Someone he always viewed as a narcissistic, sadistic asshole. But this person that barely knew him was the one to believe and accept his problems as valid. 

For the first time in months, he was able to break down in the arms of someone willing to deal with the snot and ugly crying he had to offer. Not only that, but he actually got words of comfort as well. That meant the world to him right now.

The pair stayed in that position for a while, Sugawara clinging to his newfound ally for dear life. When they eventually break apart, Oikawa grips the other setter by his shoulders and looks him strongly in the eye.

“Next time I see any of your teammates, I’ll make sure to serve a ball straight at the back of their heads.” He gave a joking thumbs up, causing a choked laugh to replace the tears.

“Please don’t, I think you’d kill them.”

“Exactly the point.”

“Sorry, but I don’t need my new friend going to jail.” Shit. This guy comforted him once and he was stupid enough to already call him a friend. He probably didn’t feel the same way. He fucked up, he fucked-

“Ah! You already gave me the title of a friend?! I’m so happy, Suga-chan! I’m sure we’ll be great friends, trust me!” The joy on the brunet’s face made Sugawara happy too.

“You’re weird, you know that?”

“Hey! I thought we were having a sweet, touching moment!” He pouts before bursting out laughing again.

“Thank you, though. Really. Do you want to stay the night, it’s pretty late now. You can take the bed, I can sleep on the couch.”

“Nuh-uh, no way am I taking the bed when you clearly haven’t slept well in a long time. Besides, I’m pretty enough that I can miss my beauty sleep for a night.” The confident and obnoxious personality takes over again.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind. It’s not like I’m not used to it by now…” 

“I am not budging on this. Starting today, we are going to get you back. In fact, you’ll come back swinging!” Oikawa stands up like a man on a mission and starts to set up cushions for his makeshift bed. He shoves Suga off the couch in the process.

“I appreciate that, but I should be okay. Also, what did you mean by ‘we’?” The apartment owner starts helping, bringing over some extra blankets and trying to clean things out of the way.

“We’ll make it so you  _ are _ okay. But some friends are going to help! Trust me on this!”

“You don’t have to though.”

“Don’t care.”

“But-”

“No buts. It’s happening whether you like it or not. Now, get to sleep before I get mad. I’m scary when I’m mad.”

“Fine. Though I highly doubt that.” Tired from crying, Sugawara doesn’t have enough energy to argue with the pushy setter. “Good night then, I guess? Wake me up if you need anything, okay? And please try to not break anything.”

“You have so little faith in me, Suga-chan! It wounds me!” Oikawa falls dramatically onto the couch. “Night night, Suga-chan~, sleep well!”

“Night. Thanks again.” He turns and heads to his bedroom. A smile forms on Sugawara’s lips as he drifts into a comfortable sleep for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty, question time. after giving it some thought and discussing it with Tor (It_Got_Worse), i'm thinking about turning this story into a series. there will be at least another 2 stories in it, one before the break up (so we get some sweet fluff) and one where they have their desired careers, so time placed a few years after this story (teacher suga woo). i might also include some stuff for oikawa cuz i love that bastard so much (maybe an iwaoi wedding??). anyway, please tell me your thoughts and i'll gladly respond and take it into consideration!


	5. Maybe, I'm Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a day full of oikawa, the pretty setter squad starts to form. suga has to make a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this one is super long compared to the previous chapters. also, thank you guys so much for 50+ kudos, it makes me so happy to see that people are liking my story. this chapter hasn't been edited (my dear Tor is on vacation). hope you enjoy!

“Suga-chan~” He feels a finger press against his one cheek, squishing the skin. “Time to wake up, Suga-chan~”

Bleary eyes open up, struggling to make out shapes while still adjusting. He pulls himself up into a sitting position only to bonk heads with his forgotten guest. A cry sounds out from the other person.

“Ow! Suga-chan, that was so mean!” They both start to rub their heads.

“That totally wasn’t my fault, geez… Why were you even waking me up? What time is it anyway?” He groans when he spots the time. Why the fuck would Oikawa wake him up at 8 in the goddamn morning?

The other setter perks up at the question. “Starting today, you are going to start living better and loving yourself! And this, my dear friend, is the first step!”

“Getting me up at a stupid time? It might make me like myself but trust me it’s not doing the same for you…”    
  
“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Now up, up!” The brunet grabs his hands, pulling his body clumsily out of bed, earning more complaints.

Sugawara is shocked when he sees the living room and kitchen. It’s actually  _ clean _ again. And there’s a nice, healthy breakfast sitting on the counter.    
  
“When the hell were you able to do this?”

“Oh! Do you like it? I hope I didn’t mess anything up… but I did it this morning. I’m a bit of an early bird!” He gives his signature smile where his tongue sticks out. 

“No shit…” When Suga tries to grab a bowl of cereal, he earns a smack. 

“Nuhun. That’s for after we go for a run. Go get changed, you can have a piece of fruit, and then we’ll run for at least half an hour.” He looks so proud of his plan.

“I’m sorry… what?! Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve run for fun? Trust me, a long fucking time. No thank you, no way.” He crosses his arms and plops down on the couch, ready to sleep again.

“Suga-chan! Come on, please? At least try it this once, okay? I promise your body and brain will really appreciate it.” Puppy dog eyes stare at him.

The grey-haired male agrees with a sigh, which ends with Oikawa cheering loudly before pestering him to change again. It takes him a while to find workout clothes, especially after not doing anything for so long.

He comes out fully changed, getting a happy cheer from his friend. Finishing an apple, the first healthy food he’s had in too long, he turns to look at Oikawa.

“If I die during this, you’ll be charged for murder, got it? I’ll even come back to life just to kill you before I die again.” 

“So cruel, Suga-chan. But you’ll love this, trust me!”

They pull on shoes, get earbuds and music ready to go, and they’re all ready to go. At least physically. Heading down the stairs as a quick warmup, they stop to stretch a bit at the bottom.

“So Suga-chan, how long have you lived in Tochigi? Know any nice trails we could go on?”

“Since the first year of school. I think I remember a few trails from when I used to run, but it’s been a long time. I think there’s one that runs by the water.”   
  
“We’ll do that then! Let’s go!”

The pair takes off, starting at a nice and light jog to wake up their muscles. It doesn’t take too long for Sugawara to start cramping and struggling to breathe. Holy shit he was out of shape. Oikawa laughs when he turns to see the struggling state of his friend. That asshole. 

Still, the weaker one pushes through the pain, something he’s quite used to doing and keeps running.

The activity becomes slightly more enjoyable when they reach the lake that the prefecture surrounds. The scenery is calming with the colourful foliage and a light breeze. Through his music, Suga can hear the noise of the water and even though his body is working hard, he feels himself relax slightly. He’s starting to enjoy it.

They stop to take a break at one of the benches along the banks, grabbing bottles of water out of the bag Oikawa was carrying. 

“So, how you feeling? Do you wanna kill me yet?” A smug grin sets on his face.

“Maybe? I don’t know… My body is in pain but at the same time, it feels so good and happy with me. I guess I kinda missed this.” He leans back into the bench, looking up at the fast clouds.

His friend stands up quickly, doing a little jump and dance. “Yes! That’s what I wanted! Woohoo! My plan is working so far!” Another couple that was walking by sends some concerned glances at the strange man, which causes him to go red in the face. Suga laughs.

“God, you’re weird. I do have to say thanks though, for giving me this kick in the butt to get me to realize how shitty I was.”

“Of course, you’re my friend. But don’t worry, I don’t expect you to instantly get better after having a good routine for one day. It’ll take work and some fighting with yourself, but you got this.” 

A smile grows on Sugawara’s face again, and his laugh rings clear as a bell. “Who would have thought that the one to help me would be you, my old rival? It’s kinda funny.”

“I will admit to that. Now, break time is over! We just did 20 minutes already, so by the time we get back we’ll be over our goal. Let’s do this, Suga-chan!” 

The brunet offers him a hand to get off the bench and Sugawara gladly takes it.

It takes them a little longer to get back to the complex. Halfway back, Oikawa got stopped near the school by a girl asking for his number. He charmingly declined, saying he was already in a relationship. The girl was bummed but perked up once he offered her his Instagram instead. 

Running by his school had made him a bit nervous, unsure of what his classmates will say if they see him running so early when he’s been late and unmotivated during classes. Still, he keeps going.

As much as he enjoyed the run, he couldn’t help but feel relief when the apartment building comes into view. 

They made it back, with no deaths or injuries. Always a plus. Neither of them bothers to change or shower before eating, Sugawara having an appetite for the first time in quite a while.

Oikawa helps himself and starts making eggs and toast while the other setter starts on his bowl of cereal. Wait, where the hell did Oikawa get eggs? Or cereal for that matter?

“If you’re wondering when I bought all this food, it was another amazing thing I did before I woke you up. The only thing you had in your pantry was tea and coffee. And there was barely anything in the fridge. Both are now full of healthy foods.” Suga sends him a look. “I got more coffee and tea too, don’t worry.”

A plate full of eggs and toast slides in front of him. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to eat all of it.

“You don’t need to finish all of it but protein is important.” He sits down on the stool beside him and they continue to eat in silence. Suga asks a question out of the blue.

“How’s your relationship going? Or was that just an excuse to push away that girl?” He had a slight idea of what the answer might be but wanted to be sure.

“Oh, that? Yeah, me and Iwa-chan have been doing well.” And he was right. “You remember Iwa-chan, right?"

“He was your ace, right? With the darker skin and spiky hair?”

“And muscular arms? And a face given by God? And a beautiful ass? Yes, that’s Iwa-chan.”

“God, you’re weird. I thought so though.” A bit more silence as they continue to eat. “What’s he doing? Is he still into volleyball?”

“He doesn’t play anymore, the little traitor, but he’s going to school for sports medicine. He said it was so he could take care of me~”

“That’s neat. I feel bad that he has to deal with you though.”

“Hey! That was totally uncalled for! I just made you breakfast and you go and give me a backhand insult! So rude!”

“You’ll live.” 

“Meanie. Anyway, do you have any classes today? You should give me your schedule.” Oikawa grabs the other’s phone from his hands, about to open the calendar app. He stops when he spots a notification badge above the messages app and clicks that instead.

“Hey, give me my phone, who’s the jerk now? But yeah, I have a class today, it isn’t until 1 though. It’s not for a while yet.” 

Oikawa doesn’t listen, busy reading Suga’s unread message. It was Daichi, that asshole. The invite with the details of the team get-together. The phone gets grabbed back before he can close the app and the brunet watches his friend’s face fall.

“That asshole.” The app gets closed and Suga places his head and phone on the counter. 

“Did he call you?”

“Mhmm…”

“When?”

“A week ago…”

“And did you pick up?” The grey-haired male stays quiet, giving the brunet his answer. “Was that what made you go into your episode?”

“I’m so dumb, Oikawa… Why do I do this to myself? Why do I still have to love him?”

The professional setter feels his heartbreak a little at the hopelessness in his friend’s words. “Because there are two types of people in this world. The givers and the takers. And you, with all your heart, are a giver. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Then I don’t wanna be a giver anymore… it fucking sucks.”

“Let’s not say that. The get-together is tomorrow anyway, there’s no way you’ll be able to make it if it’s all the way back in Miyagi. You won’t have to see them anyway.”

“Tomorrow… Wait, what day’s tomorrow?” His head shoots up off the counter, worry clouded over his face. 

“It’s the 21st tomorrow. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Fuck… my parents are supposed to visit tomorrow… I completely forgot. And they can’t see me like this, Oikawa. It’ll break them.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Let’s not think about it right now.” He stands up and starts to clear away all the dishes. “Today is today. You go and get changed. We’re going shopping, you need a new wardrobe.”

Sugawara somehow gets even more worried when he remembers the interesting ensemble Oikawa had been wearing the night before. For someone as visually attractive as him, his fashion sense was terrible. 

“Alright… I’ll go change. Feel free to use the shower.” 

“Gladly!”

Turns out, Oikawa takes ridiculously long showers. Not only was Sugawara waiting for 20 minutes after getting dressed, but he also didn’t even have a way to do his makeup with the bathroom being used. So it would take even longer for them to leave. 

“Oikawa Tōru, if you don’t hurry up I’ll call Iwaizumi and tell him that you’ve left him for me!” The running water stops instantly and he hears a panicked clambering out of the tub, followed by the sound of bottles falling in the shower.

The door swings open to reveal a grown-ass man with a towel clumsily wrapped around his waist and bubbles covering his whole head, earning a pointed look.

“Don’t you dare judge me, I wanted to see what I’d look like with my hair styled differently.”

“Ah yes, the ultimate hair gel… soap studs.” 

“Screw you!”

“I’m not Iwaizumi, so no thanks. Now let me in, I need to do my makeup.” Cautious as he walks on the wet floor, he starts grabbing the products he needs and positions himself in front of the mirror.

“I was wondering why you have so much makeup. Do you really think you need so much?”

“Yes.” He turns to look back at the half-naked man in his apartment. “Could you maybe get some clothes on?”

Oikawa grumbles as he walks to the bedroom to get dressed. He gets to work, doing his normal school makeup, not wanting it to be too much, or to risk it rubbing off on clothes he might try on. It doesn’t take long and once again, his friend is being very slow. 

The brunet finally comes out of the bedroom, wearing a bunch of Suga’s clothes. The student was not impressed.

“That took way too long… It’s already after 10, we’ll barely have time to walk there, shop, grab lunch, and walk back in time for me to get to class.” It’ll take even longer if Oikawa gets hit on by girls (or guys) the whole time. 

“Well then, let’s go!”

“I’ve been saying that for the past 20 minutes,” the grey-haired male grumbles as they start down the stairs. 

Thankfully, the mall wasn’t too far from his complex. It was actually quite close to his work, so they did take the bus to shorten the travel time. 

Sugawara gets fidgety while his friend gets excited. He’s never really liked shopping since the breakup. He never felt like he was attractive enough to pull off most of the looks he got recommended. Oikawa, on the other hand, knew he was pretty enough to pull off even the most stupid clothing.

Like a little kid, Oikawa drags him around the mall for the 2 hours they spend shopping. Store after store, he leaves each one with at least one new garment. It felt like he was shopping with a teenage girl that had her dad’s credit card.

Though he had a bad taste for himself, his new friend’s style wasn’t awful when he directed it towards others. He was kind enough to ask questions about his aesthetic then stuck to that the entire shopping spree. 

Even with that amazing skill he showed, Oikawa still grabbed the most hideous things for himself, happy as can be.

Both members of the pair have their arms filled with bags as they leave the building.

“So Suga-chan, where do you wanna go for lunch? Know any good spots?” The brown, childish eyes stare at him in question.

“I don’t really eat out much… but I know a café that has some good lunch items. Would that work?”

“Oh, yum! Are their lattes good? I hope they are.” The decision gets made and they make their way to the coffee shop. It would be nice to go there again after being MIA for a week.

The familiar sound of the little bell on the door is enough to make him happy, the calls and cheers of the staff only amplifying it. 

“Wow Suga-chan, it’s like you’re a celebrity here!”

“Not really, I’m just a regular. Usually.”

“Suga-san! You’re back! Geez, you had us worried, we thought you up and left us for another shop!” Okamoto stands behind the counter, waving with a big grin on his face. 

“No way I could ever leave your coffee, Okamoto-san. Don’t worry.” 

“Wow, Suga-chan has friends? I’m shocked!” Oikawa stands beside him, a little confused by how well the staff seems to know Suga. He didn’t seem like the type to chat with the staff at restaurants or stores.

“Shut it, you.” He slaps Oikawa. “What do you want?” 

All too happy, he orders some expensive latte and a sandwich, chatting with the staff as if he’s known them his entire life. Suga goes next, getting his usual drink and a croissant. They sit down to eat (Oikawa insisted) after they get their stuff and pay.

“This is a lovely spot, Suga-chan. How’d you find it?” The pair starts to enjoy their food and drinks as they talk.

“I don’t know? I was a tired second-year university student in desperate need of caffeine, all the mainstream spots were too busy, I looked on a smaller street, bam. Found this spot and I’ve just kept coming back to it I guess.”

“Awe, how romantic. It is a nice spot. Any particular reason you like it more than other places?” Since when was Oikawa a businessman? 

“The drinks are good, the staff are great, what else is there to it?”

“I meant like a particular feeling you get from it?”

“I guess it reminds me of the volleyball club. It’s never quiet, the friendly and happy faces… it’s all a bit nostalgic.”

The brunet hums, satisfied with the response. They both continue to eat in silence. Once they finish and say their goodbyes, they start heading back to the apartment so that Sugawara can grab what he needs for class.

It takes a while to unload and put away all of the clothing they bought. Oikawa doesn’t even bother to take stuff out of their bags since all he had was a suitcase.

With enough pestering, Suga decides to amuse the other setter and lets him pick his new outfit for class. It ends up being a combination of his new and old wardrobe. He even tries to add a hat onto the look but gets shot down. 

“Oikawa, I’m not wearing a fedora. Or a beret. Or any hat for that matter. I’m already wearing glasses to please you, no more. That would be too much.”

“But Suga-chan! Do it for the look! It needs it!”

“And you need help. No way. This is a university class, not Paris Fashion Week.” He pushes away an old baseball cap that was presented to him. 

“A scarf then? Please? It’s totally practical, it is autumn after all.” Grudgingly he takes the grey scarf and ties it around his neck, not caring about neatness. This earns some fiddling and adjustments from Oikawa before he’s finally happy with the look. 

Taking a long time to get ready seems to be a recurring theme with the pretty setter. Though that wasn’t too surprising. 

“Are you done yet? I have to get to class.” He gets a nod. “Good. Don’t leave the apartment unless you want to get locked out. I have the keys.”

“Awe, why can’t I have a key?” The look Suga gives him is enough of an answer. 

“Alright then, I’m heading out I guess.” He pulls his bag onto his shoulder. “Try not to burn down the building, please.”

The class seems to last forever because of the nerves from leaving Oikawa alone in his apartment. Even with that worry, the student felt better sitting in class than he had all week.

He was able to engage and actually take notes, rather than just sit there while staring blankly at the chalkboard. After the class, multiple classmates had even tried to start up conversations with him, mostly the girls asking about “the incredibly handsome man” he was running with. Oikawa’s ego would only grow if he would have heard that.

He picks up the stack of papers for homework before he walks back to the complex, relieved when he sees it’s still in one piece. 

“I’m back!” he calls as he pushes open the door, spotting his guest draped dramatically on the couch. “What are you doing?”

“My darling Suga-chan! Why, you’ve left me for so long! I was beginning to feel this lonely, gaping hole grow inside my heart!”

“Why are you like this? I’m not Iwaizumi-san, go bug him instead.” He starts to unpack his bag onto the coffee table and Oikawa sits up from his strange position. “How long are you planning on staying with me anyway? Do I need to start charging rent?”

“Why are you so mean?! I swear, you act like I’m not trying to help at all!” The brunet lowers his voice. “I was only planning on dropping in to bug you about the reunion, but I don’t know now. I’ve gotten attached to you, I don’t wanna leave my sweet Suga-chan alone!”

“What about Iwaizumi? Don’t you miss him? You do seem like the clingy type,” he adds bluntly.

“You sound so much like him with your insults, I feel right at home! But yeah, I miss him. I’ll stay for tonight and maybe tomorrow, depending on what you decide to do, but then I’ll go back to Tokyo. I’m actually supposed to be going back to Rio in a month.” He shrugs.

“I forgot you were playing for Argentina. But what do you mean by what I decide to do?”

“Whether you’d rather see your parents or your team tomorrow. I’d say the best choice would be your parents but that’s all up for you to choose.”

“What were you planning on doing?”

“Well, if you picked your parents then I’d leave in the morning so you can spend the day as a family, though I’m sure your mom wouldn’t mind if I stayed. I’m quite charming.”

Suga is hesitant to ask about the other option. “... and the team?”

“I’d go to the reunion with you, beat the shit out of them, and we’d leave. Perfect revenge plan in my opinion.”

“And the perfect plan to get thrown into jail for assault. Iwaizumi would kill me if I let that happen.” Not his ideal plan. His friend was troublesome enough. 

He flops down on the couch, both setters resting in silence while contemplating the options. Making a choice had never been so hard. School was an easy decision, giving up his position as setter was almost necessary, but this? It felt impossible.

“Stop thinking so hard, Suga-chan. Your brain will explode.” This earns a slap from the grey-haired male. “Take your time. Though you should let your parents know before tomorrow.”

“Sure, I guess.” It felt like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, both choices not exactly favourable.

“Okay, movie time!” Oikawa starts rummaging through his bag, pulling out a pile of movie cases.

“Huh? Why? I still have school work to do, not to mention-” 

“Nope. We are watching hours worth of movies, ordering pizza for dinner, making popcorn for snacks, and chilling out the rest of the night.”

He catches sight of the labels on the cases. Every single one was a Barbie movie. Something is wrong with this guy.

“Really, kid’s movies? I need to make a big decision and you want to watch Barbie?”

“Yes! It’ll help distract you and in the end, help you choose.” He starts putting the first disc into the DVR.

“A Barbie movie will help me choose? Please explain.” 

“There are more important lessons on these discs than you think, dear Suga-chan. Words of wisdom, great music, magic, friendship, and love! All of which can help you decide!”

“Sure… There’s no way I’m changing your mind, is there?”

“Nope! This is happening!” Giving up, Sugawara gathers up a bunch of blankets for the couch as well as grabbing a soda for both of them. Oikawa claps his hands like a five-year-old as the first movie, Barbie of Swan Lake, starts to play.

Oikawa hadn’t been lying when he said they would watch them for hours. They watch a movie, grab food, watch a movie, go to the bathroom. An endless cycle of torture.

The marathon finally ends at around 10:30, giving Sugawara the mercy he’d been praying for. 

“Oh thank god that’s over.” He stretches his stiff legs off the couch.

“How dare you say that! It was amazing! Anyway, have you decided yet?”

Strangely enough, he had. He wasn’t sure whether the dumb movies actually helped (he would never admit to it if they had) or just having the time to not think let him pick what he wanted, not what he should.

“Yeah.” He pulls out his phone.

“And?”

“Let’s go see my teammates.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! also, i may or may not have made a discord server for my stories (i'm guilty and want friends lol) so feel free to join! 
> 
> another also: i'm starting a new story that isn't part of this fic universe. you'll get some sneak peaks if you join the discord server.
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	6. Here We Go Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa doesn't like cramped spaces and takes photos of suga, they have to face karasuno again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter woo, this one isn't too sad (can't make any promises about the next one tho). thanks again to tor for editing and to you guys for 60+ kudos now. it's awesome! enjoy!

Oikawa gets him up the same time (and way) as the day before, insisting they go for another run before they leave for Miyagi.

“Come on, Suga-chan!” he said when the Karasuno alumnus complained while changing into running clothes. “Habits can’t start unless you nurture them! Like trees! Oh, we should get you some plants, they’d really brighten up the place!”

“You are not becoming in charge of my design choices. You’ve already taken over everything else. Also, you sound like Ushijima-san, talking about plants.”

The brunet physically recoils at the comment. “Nope, nuh-uh, I totally didn’t hear you say that, not at all.”

The pair starts their run, taking the path that goes along the other side of the lake this time. As nice as it was, Sugawara was already starting to get nervous about what would happen later that day. 

He’s been on edge ever since he sent the text to his parents last night, lying about not feeling well and them visiting another time. When you think about it, he technically wasn’t lying. He felt like shit all the time. Maybe he’ll start to build up an immunity.

His friend seems to notice his overthinking and picks up his pace, hoping it would cause the thoughts to switch over to ‘oh god my body is burning, everything hurts’. 

It works until they take their break, the thoughts creeping right back in.

“It was definitely more fun and relaxing yesterday, wasn’t it?” The bench had been taken today so the two opted to sit on the shore instead. He hums into his water bottle to respond.

“You need to think less. Empty that brain of yours and just let go for a bit.” 

“Honestly, I wish I could. I’d rather not remember everything that happened. And today will just be another shitty, cruel reminder.”

“Geez, you’re negative. Do I need to be like old you, negativity begone? Hit you every time you say something super dreary?”

“Don’t you dare.”

“I’m kidding, Suga-chan. Let’s head back, okay? We have a long train ride today. Might as well move around while we still can.”

“Sure.” They both stand up and go on their way.

Because of the time it takes Oikawa to get ready, breakfast was much quicker than yesterday’s, sticking to porridge and a bit more fruit. Each of them grab showers and freshen up, Suga going first to ensure he’d get warm water.

An hour later, the friends have bags packed and shoes on, leaving for the train station. They pay for the tickets and find their designated seats, which were thankfully beside each other.

“Oh, these seats look so comfy!” Oikawa plops down and grimaces. “They are not comfy, I repeat they are not comfy. Ow…”

The grey-haired male snickers at the stupidity of his friend before sitting down as well, much more gently might he add. Each of them started to do their own thing, Oikawa taking a few selfies to send to Iwaizumi and Sugawara starting the homework he wasn’t allowed to do the night before. 

As long as he stayed busy with schoolwork, the ride went by quickly and his thoughts were unlikely to fill with dread. Three birds with one stone, yay. 

Oikawa started to get antsy before he did, which surprised him a lot. He had always seemed like the type that could last a long time without moving. Plane rides to Rio and tournaments must be hell for him.

“Hey Suga-chan, what time is it?” The brunet leans over to steal a glance at the student’s laptop screen.

“It’s only noon, relax.”

“Really? It feels like it’s been way longer than that. Like we should be there by now. Do you think we could stop and stretch our legs? It feels really cramped in here.” He starts pulling at the back of the seat in front of him to try and do something with his nervous energy.

“We can’t stop, Oikawa. Do you want to switch seats if yours is feeling too tight?”

“Really? Oh, thank you. I hate traveling, it sucks.” The professional setter relaxes a little when he moves to the aisle seat.

Understanding the discomfort, Suga doesn’t push the topic, hoping his friend would stay relaxed for as long as he could. 

The train ride starts to get boring when he finishes his schoolwork. Oikawa had just fallen asleep so he pops on his earbuds and listens to music instead. The best way to chill with your deadly brain.

The silence around him continues and the noise inside his head only grows. He starts to run over all the things that could possibly go wrong.

What if they still think it’s his fault? What if they hate him even more because he didn’t show up last year? How would they react to Oikawa? How would Oikawa react to them?

Each “what if” brought another ten worries to mind,  making the cycle overwhelmingly endless. He probably would have been able to stop them if they were unrealistic but they weren’t. They were all completely possible scenarios. That’s what scared him the most.

Still, the ride continues, as do the thoughts, for another hour before his friend wakes up. A bunch of incoherent grumblings to fall from his lips. 

“Morning, sunshine. Had a nice beauty sleep?” He stops his music to talk to his friend.

“Screw you, I don’t need beauty sleep. I’m pretty enough without it. But my nap was enjoyable, yes.” He curses. “Way better than being awake on this stupid machine.”

The brunet starts to fidget again, trying and failing to stretch his legs while complaining about how cramped it is.

“It’ll be over soon, don’t worry.” He doesn’t really know how to comfort Oikawa, the guy still seemed a bit alien to him.

“This will be over, and then it’ll be your turn for discomfort. I’d much rather this, though.” Both of them grimace at the reminder. It was clear that neither of them was looking forward to the inevitable interaction. 

They continue to sit quietly, each doing things to try and prevent boredom to grow. These things still don’t stop Sugawara’s thoughts from growing though. They eat him alive.

The train finally stops after what seems like forever to both setters, and they jump to get off as soon as they can. While Oikawa was beaming to be able to stretch his legs, his friend’s dread only grew. Still, getting space to breathe was a relief.

The station in Miyagi was much quieter than Ibaraki, allowing the pair to easily get outside. 

“Thank god that’s over.” While stretching, the brunet starts walking away from the doors. The negative factor gets brought up again. “What time is the reunion? And where?”

“It starts at 5, at the gymnasium. Then we’re going to one of the restaurants we used to go to after games. We first went there after you beat us during fall prelims. But yeah, we have some time to kill.” He pulls up his backpack as they keep walking.

“Sorry about that, by the way. I guess we do though, what do you want to do?” 

They decide to just wander around, Oikawa wanting to go for another run. He got shut down immediately.

Acting like a stereotypical Instagram girl, the brunet starts taking photos and selfies. Mostly selfies. When they stop at a local cafe, Oikawa sneaks a few pictures of Sugawara, shamelessly posting them on his story.

He gets caught when the grey-haired male spots a notification on the other’s phone from Iwaizumi, questioning why he was back in Miyagi with Suga. It results in the brunet getting slapped on the head.

Even though the pair were having a nice time, they both felt a pressure building up.

Each step, each breath, each second brought them closer to the moment they dread. These people he was about to see were what broke the once cheery teenager. They sparked the start of the past shitty year, where Sugawara lived each day drowning in his hatred towards himself as well as his old teammates. 

Again, the urge to vomit washes over him, stronger than when Daichi called, and he stumbles over his own feet. Oikawa catches him when he spots the paler complexion of his friend. 

“You’re okay, you got this. We don’t have to go, we can head back to Tsukuba if you don’t feel up to it though. Put yourself first.” He pulls him over to a bench to get a breather.

“I’ll be fine. I have to do this.”

“You don’t have to do anything except take care of yourself. And I’ll be there to help.”

“I… I can do this, Oikawa. I want to do this.” Those words were to convince himself as much as they were for his friend.

“Okay. We better get going then, it’s almost 5 and there’s still quite a long way to walk. Just tell me if you change your mind and want to leave.” They get up and start heading in the direction of the public gymnasium where they decided to meet up first.

Seeing these people that helped him spiral terrified him, he didn’t try to hide it. But a few of his teammates he did miss. The first years never really got involved in the breakup, just in the aftermath. To this day they don’t know what happened.

He looked forward to seeing Hinata’s tangerine hair and adorably wide smile, and Kageyama’s hilarious awkwardness that never went away. The sweetness Yamaguchi had to offer and Tsukishima’s awesome comebacks for everything. It was those small things that made him willing to go. He missed his underclassmen. That was enough.

They’re running half an hour late when the gym building comes into view. The team probably just assumed he wouldn’t come like last year. 

The pair walk into the building, heading up to the front desk.

“We’re here for the Karasuno alumni group?” The lady points them in the right direction, telling them where the changing rooms are as well. They thank her and head down the hall.

Changing quickly with no intention of running into anyone before they got to the gym, they walk out a few minutes later, going to the door that would bring them to Sugawara’s fear.

“You ready?” They look at each other. He nods.

“Let’s do this.” He swings the door open and gets hit with a powerful force of nostalgia. Watching as the ball gets rallied around, everyone being as good, if not better than he remembered. The door closes loudly and the game pauses. Dozens of eyes land on him.

“Suga?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! also, don't be afraid to join my discord! it's small right now, but nice  
> my other story is also in progress, so please check it out when i post it!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	7. Momentary Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa is the boss bitch. they play a few rallies and reconnect with karasuno a bit, a little first-year screentime. daichi and suga manage to talk without tears or oikawa killing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one took a little longer, so sorry about that. life is a bit crazy right now, both of my jobs have been crazy and i'm heading back to school soon. sorry if i refer to anyone on karasuno by their school year, it's just habit (Tor did a good job editing it and fixing tho so yay). but yeah, i might increase the chapter numbers since it's taking longer than i thought to get to the end of things. thanks for all of the support and i hope you enjoy!

He freezes like a deer in headlights when he hears the voice of his ex-best friend, his ex-boyfriend. It was hard to see him, causing an ache to grow in his heart. But that fades away when he sees his kids.

“Suga-san!” The blur of orange hair flies towards him, fast as ever, tackling him into a strong hug. The other first-years make their way over too, joining in the hug. Tsukishima just greets him, but even that makes Sugawara happy. He notes that Nishinoya and Tanaka go to join as well but decide against it.

They chat for a bit, answering their questions with a real smile on his face. In the back of his mind, he hopes it makes the others feel a little bad.

It’s obvious the other team members aren’t sure what to do. They were all involved in the breakup somehow, most of them sticking beside their captain. The regret wasn’t pleasant.

Hinata breaks away from the hug when he spots the other setter behind Sugawara. “The Grand King is here!” Still at it with the weird nicknames, he starts bubbling around Oikawa. They did get close when they met in Rio. 

Even as he talks with Yamaguchi, he starts feeling uncomfortable with the stares from his teammates. But as awkward as it was, neither group knows what to do to break the ice. Thankfully his friend does it for him.

“Alrighty,” the outsider says while bringing the other setter into a hug. “I’m trying very very hard to stay civil and not kill all of you right now, so trust me when I say I won’t hesitate to if you fuck up this chance to see Suga-chan again, got it?” The smile on his face is menacing. 

The threat confuses the younger group a bit but sends a shiver up the others’ spines. They knew he knew. And that was his whole plan. 

“Now how about we play some volleyball, huh?” Kageyama looks irritated at the thought of playing with or against his rival. Not his cup of tea, but he was happy to play anyway.

“Sure.” When Suga is the one to reply, it gives everyone another shock for the day. “Let’s play again!” They start splitting teams, putting Sugawara with more of the younger members to try and avoid conflict. 

Since the numbers were so high, everyone on the court rotated out before they served again, meaning the person going in gets to serve first thing. Libero rules still apply.

They start up the game, everyone trying to stay connected with the teammates none of them have seen in over a year as well as the old rival that joined in. 

As he guessed, Suga’s volleyball skills were rusty after such a long break from the sport. He screwed up basic receives, his first serve, and multiple sets. It instantly makes him regret showing up and he starts getting into his head when he’s rotated out.

_ Not good enough. You shouldn’t be here. They don’t want someone so terrible. Just leave. _

It’s clear to everyone else that the setter isn’t the same as he used to be, and they knew that was mostly their fault. His confidence, his joy, and drive were all gone. 

Somehow though, this old rival that was a stranger to most of the team was the one to bring him out of the downward spiral.   
  
“Come on, Suga-chan! I thought we would have a competition for the better setter, but you're making it no fun!” The loud exclamation is rude, but what he says a bit quieter is what actually helps. “Get out of your head, okay? You’re doing good, and I’m sure you being here makes them happy enough, even losing won’t bum them out. But you also have me on your team so there’s nothing to worry about, right?!” He pushes him back onto the court for the rotation. 

The reassurance helped a bit, allowing him to silence his thoughts and focus more on his teammates. Check-in how they’re doing. That was what he was always best at, so that’s what he would do.

“Hinata! Your jump is even higher than before, it’s awesome! I’ll give you a nice high one, okay?” The ginger beamed.

“Yes! Thank you!”

The game keeps going and he slowly starts getting the hang of things again. He was finally playing again. Though it was a bit cruel, he felt some satisfaction every time his team scored on Daichi and Asahi’s team. A small victory. A slight way to get payback.

His team manages to take the first set, having the advantage of two pro players instead of just one. Losing to both Hinata and Oikawa didn’t sit right with Kageyama so he’s quick to start picking on the small middle blocker. 

The interaction makes him laugh, attracting the eyes of his old friends. The joyful sound from Sugawara both makes their day and breaks their hearts. 

The match continues and the first game of the day ends without any serious conflicts. Being on the winning side with Oikawa felt pretty great. Having the other setter there was such a subtle but strong reassurance.

Everyone grabs water bottles, breaking into groups on the floor while they rest. Sugawara was already starting to run low on fuel, so the break was appreciated.

Him and Oikawa sat with the first-years as well as Ennoshita, who was the first one to even try and converse with Suga. He felt bitter and happy at the same time.

“So Suga,” Yamaguchi asks while taking a drink, “how did you and Oikawa become close? He’s been over in Argentina, right?” Oikawa nods to answer his bit.

“Well, um, he actually tracked me down to get me to come to the reunion…” The grey-haired setter didn’t want to tell them about his shitty lifestyle but felt it was necessary. “And he stopped by my apartment, at like midnight, to see me.”

“Would that really be enough to become such close friends though?” Hinata stares at him with wide eyes and Sugawara knows it’ll hurt him to hear about his mental state. 

“Well, I… I wasn’t really in a good place when he dropped in. Mentally, I mean. Him being him, he could immediately tell. And I guess I just kinda, broke down in front of him? It was nice to have someone there after feeling so terrible ever since, y’know, the breakup.” Without thinking, he glances at Daichi to see sad eyes looking back at him. They both turn away.

Spotting the vulnerable expression on Suga’s face, Oikawa steps in. “Being the kind and generous person I am, I forced him to go out and start working on getting better. There’s no rush though.”

“Forcing someone to do something doesn’t sound very kind…” Tsukishima points out, only to be shushed by the brunet. 

“Details, details.”

They keep talking for a bit, sharing laughs and stories from the past year. Ennoshita does his best to silently apologize and Suga does his best to accept. The second captain had tried to find a middle ground back then, so he had to give him thanks for that.

On the other side of the gym, the group of players sits in regret. They all knew they messed up bad, and couldn’t help but feel guilty for what they put their friend through.

Asahi was almost in tears thinking about it. “We left him… all alone, heartbroken, and feeling like he was worthless and unwanted and unloved. We’re pretty terrible people, aren’t we.” It wasn’t even a question, more a statement. And very very true.

“I wish I could take it back. Then we wouldn’t be in this awkward mess in the first place. I’m such a dumbass…” Daichi’s head falls into his hands as he tries to hide his face out of shame.

“Aren’t we all…” Tanaka mumbles.

“Alright, let’s go again!” As loud and energetic as ever, Hinata starts bouncing around, ready to go. Both groups get up to get ready too. 

They decide to switch the teams a bit, this time putting together Kageyama and Hinata with Sugawara, splitting him away from Oikawa. The old ace was also on his team, making him a little nervous. They were disconnected. 

Mistakes start happening between them because of this, neither of them able to sync up with each other. His mind spits rude comments towards himself again, getting worse when he watches Kageyama do everything so perfectly. Just like high school.

He zones out on the court, missing an opportunity to block a spike from Tanaka. Oikawa sends him a worried glance.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Asahi comes up from behind him, mimicking a karate chop with his hands. “Negativity begone, right? We got this.”

Sugawara stands there, dumbfounded. Everyone watches, unsure what his reaction would be. Surprisingly, he starts laughing, keeling over while covering his mouth. It freaks the big ace out a bit.

“S-suga? Are you okay? Did you get hit in the head by the ball or something?” 

It’s funny to him. A long time ago, he would always say that to his timid and negative teammate, punching him in the process. And now here he was, after living and breathing in only negative thoughts for over a year, being on the other side of things this time.

“Wow… I never thought in a million years… that you would be the one saying it to me.” He stands up straight, placing his hands on his hips and turning to face the ace. “Though I guess I needed it since life’s been shit lately.” He offers a small smile in Asahi’s direction before motivating the set to pick up again.

That small comment wasn’t enough to mend things, nothing would be, but it might be a start.

His team won again, going into three sets after Oikawa pushed hard enough for the point. He is too damn stubborn. 

Everyone except the professional players are getting exhausted after two games, and much to the dismay of Kageyama and Hinata (who clearly wanted to study each other more), they called it a day. Their gym time was over anyway.

The group packs up, making sure to clean the floors as a way to help the staff out. Heading to change, Suga falls back to walk with Oikawa. He needed someone a bit more familiar with his state. 

“How are you holding up? Especially after that thing with Asahi-san?” He does his best to stay quiet, not wanting the others to listen in. 

“I… I’m doing alright? Seeing them hurt at first but then… I’m not sure whether the pain faded or I just got used to it. But I still haven’t talked to him.”

“You know I want it to stay that way but I know it won’t. Even then, I don’t think I have to worry about him being an asshole to you. Anyone could see the regret in his eyes. Almost everyone had that, to be honest. It was a little scary.” 

“I guess so…” They enter the changing room, some of the guys grabbing showers while others not bothering to. Suga didn’t bother. 

There’s a slight chatter from the louder members as they change but it’s quiet for the most part. Not really thinking, the grey-haired male starts taking off his shirt, forgetting about some of the marks he had left from really bad days. 

Eyes get drawn to them, though not everyone takes notice of it. The silvery lines that danced and crisscross along his pale skin were bared for the world to see. It shocks them to the core, even Oikawa. They get a real view of how bad the last year actually was for him. But none of them mention anything. They were too scared to.

Not noticing the attention his torso is getting, Suga pulls his clean shirt over his head, finishes with changing, and heads out to the lobby. 

He’s the first one to get outside, enjoying the short but quiet time to himself. The exhaustion was starting to sink in even more, both physically and mentally. Leaning against the building with a sigh, he looks up to the sky. 

It was pretty clear out at the moment, a few wispy clouds here and there. The sun was already starting to set, bleeding bright flamboyant colours into the soft blue sky. It was peaceful. 

When he sees a group of crows fly by, he hits him hard. A flock you stick with and fight for. A small bird, but with enough of them, they could take down any opponent. Too bad he was alone. A crow without its murder.

Soft footsteps come up from behind him and he chooses to ignore them, assuming it’s Oikawa. The figure stands silently beside him, watching the sky slowly change.

“They're pretty vicious, aren’t they?” Daichi’s voice disrupts the silence. “At least when they’re together. A crow without a flock should never happen. So I’m sorry I’m the reason it did.” 

The captain turns to face him, Sugawara keeping his eyes on the sky. Even then, he saw the pained expression, a tense smile that looked more like a grimace.

“You’re right, it shouldn’t. And you should be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to join my discord! thanks again!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	8. You Can’t Fix Every Mistake, But You Can Apologize, Which is Kinda the Same Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a nice meal with karasuno, yachi and kiyoko are a power couple, tanaka thinks kiyoko and ennoshita are both really pretty. daichi gives suga a proper apology.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i was so happy to write this chapter, i feel like it gave a lot of karasuno a bit of redemption. only problem was that i cried so hard writing the last lines for it. sad music + kinda sad fic are always a great combo. anyway, thanks to Tor for editing and i hope you guys like it!

The other members' group comes outside, quieting down when they see the old best friends/couple standing side by side, saying nothing. It was a little frightening.

Still, they start talking again, mostly about what food everyone wants to order at the restaurant they were planning on going to. Oikawa comes up behind Suga, nudging him in the side to get his attention.

“Do you want to stay for dinner? Or head back now?” Having Oikawa burst into his life was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him, except maybe making it to nationals. You would never expect it but he was incredibly considerate towards everything.

“We can stay. I’m sure you’re hungry, and I’m doing alright at the moment.” He shrugs and starts walking alongside the group, fiddling with the seam on his sweater, causing it to fray already.

“Really? Great! Talking with Hinata is so fun, he’s really crazy sometimes. Still can’t believe he ran off to Rio for two years just to play beach volleyball.”

“I’m sure Iwazumi-san thought the same thing about you going to play in the Argentinian league. I seriously wonder how he managed to put up with you since elementary school. I swear he’s a saint or something.”

“Why are you so mean, Suga-chan?! You’re just like Iwa-chan or Mad-Dog-chan sometimes!”

Some of the surrounding Karasuno alumni chuckle at the banter between the pair. Even though they were pretty different personality types, they got along well. Though at this point, most of them didn’t know Suga’s personality well anymore.

Conversations fill up the entire walk and it doesn’t take long for the group to get to their destination: supper. All of them were happy to be eating, ready for food.

The nice lady that runs the shop already has some food for them, prepared for the reunion in advance.

Soon enough the table is filled with food and beer and soju bottles. Sugawara sits down beside Oikawa and Yamaguchi, both happy and talkative.

“Thank you for the meal!” They all start to eat, talking to a minimum as they fill their mouths with food instead.

As though they still had the appetites of teenagers, the food was finished rather quickly and the dishes got replaced with more bottles of alcohol instead. The freckled male to his left tried to offer him a glass.

“Ah, sorry to be such a downer, but I don’t drink.” He waves his hands frantically to signify that there was no changing his mind, gaining a guilty glance from Daichi.

“He might not, but I’ll have some, Yama-chan!” Oikawa slides his glass in the younger man’s direction, grinning as it gets filled.

“Hello, guys!” The door opens and a small blonde comes through, followed by a taller woman with dark hair.

“Shimizu! Yachi! Hi!” Hinata rushes up to greet them, bubbling over the cute couple. They both send shocked looks towards him when they see he’s actually there, but they turn into bright smiles after.

“Suga! You, you came this year!” The blonde looks delighted. Suga was always so nice to her, it hurt a bit when he hadn’t shown up the previous year.

“Suga, it’s good to see you,” Shimizu nods, taking a seat next to Tanaka, starting up a small conversation with the loud guy. They weren’t dating, and Tanaka had gotten over his puppy crush, but they were still quite close.

It startled him with how much he still knew about his old team, even without being in touch with them. Sure, he never unfollowed or blocked any of them, but he didn’t pay much attention to their social media either.

Even with that, he knew these little details about the team. All the places Noya has been so far on his world tour, what Asahi’s latest project was with his apparel company.

No matter how much he wanted to get back at them, some type of exchange, he still cared so deeply for his old team. That scared him.

The evening continues nicely, chatter and pleasant laughs shared all around. Suga was almost starting to forget the terrible awkwardness from before, relaxing in with most of the teammates again. They were in no way fully forgiven, but it was a strong start.

He has a loud talk with an already drunk Tanaka, going on about how pretty Ennoshita and Kiyoko are, making it clear how unfair it was. It leaves both of the mentioned members blushing hard and Suga laughing.

By 10:15 PM, the alcohol is starting to make its effect on the drinkers. Rosy cheeks, slurred words, and loud voices continue to fill the night.

Oikawa doesn’t look drunk at all, though he’s probably had the most out of everyone. It might be a tolerance after being in Argentina for so long. The hangover would not be fun to deal with though, that poor guy.

He subtly takes notice at the lack of drinks Daichi has had before remembering that he was working towards being a police officer. Getting publicly intoxicated wouldn’t look very well for him. That has to be the reason, it makes complete sense. That’s definitely the reason.

It’s 11 by the time he and Oikawa decide it’s time for them to leave, needing to catch the train back to Tsukuba. They both bid their farewells to everyone. They each get a hug, though he keeps it at a handshake for some of the teammates he’s still on the fence about. They’ll be forgiven eventually.

They make sure to thank the owners before heading out the door, the brunet using the restroom quickly while Suga waits outside.

It’s cold enough at night now that little clouds form with each exhale. He pulls his jacket tighter around himself, the new one Oikawa picked out being much nicer and warmer than the useless old one.

The door of the restaurant opens and closes, the sound of a ringing bell familiar.

“That wasn’t too bad, was it Oikawa? You didn’t need to kill any of them, which I guess is a plus.” He chuckles, glancing at the night sky. Those same wispy clouds flutter across the moon, creating a gentle haze.

“I’m glad it wasn’t terrible.”

The setter freezes. Of course, the time when he does think it’s Oikawa it’s actually not. Great. Wonderful. He feels himself stumble over words as he tries to form an excuse to leave.

“I know I don’t deserve it, I don’t really deserve anything after what I did, but could you listen for a bit?” The captain stands beside him for the second time that day.

Sugawara bites his lip, not letting himself talk out of fear that he’d cry. Instead, he just nods.

“Heh… Thank you. I really loved you, y’know. But I also really loved myself. I couldn’t admit I was wrong, and couldn’t accept it was my fault when it 100% was. I brought the other teammates into it when I shouldn’t have, hoping they’d understand why I would fuck up.”

His voice starts to crack. Looking up at the moon as well, tears shamelessly run down his face.

“They got stuck in the middle because of me. So I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I didn’t just talk to you when I started feeling frustrated about the long-distance thing. And I’m sorry I can’t go back and take back every hurtful thing that might have been the reason for your scars.”

Sugawara feels his eyes start to blur. They saw his scars. They’ve seen almost all of the ugly sides of him. Yet here he was, getting the most painful apology ever.

“I know I messed up. I was drunk and I got mad and blew up at you. And I’m not going to try and hide behind the alcohol. In the end, it was all my fault. Everything has been my fault. And I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that I didn’t mean anything I said. We all loved you, so many people did.

“I loved you so, so much. You were my world. Every flaw, perfection, and scar you had to bear, I loved. And I know we can’t have that again. I don’t deserve to have that again. But you do.” He turns again to face him, this time truly smiling, even with the snot and tears on his face.

“So please, stay happy for me, okay Kōshi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, so? what do you think? was the apology good enough for forgiveness? let me know in the comments!
> 
> don't forget to join my discord!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	9. New Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suga is alone again but only for a bit, our owl friends come to hang out, overall a chill and happy day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait but wow, over 100 kudos? thank you, everyone! anyway, this was edited again by Tor so thank you! i hope you guys enjoy!

When he wakes up the next morning to his alarm, it confuses him. He doesn’t have his loud friend yelling in his face at 8 AM. Instead, it’s 9:30 and the apartment is silent.

“What the hell is going on?” he mumbles groggily, picking up his phone to see a recorded message from Oikawa. He presses play.

“Morning Suga-chan! I’m sorry I had to leave but my Iwa-chan needed me! There’s food in the fridge and all your workout gear is laid out on top of your desk. You better not skip your run today just ‘cause I’m not there.”

He pauses a bit, answering to a male voice in his new location. 

“Sorry about that, Iwa-chan had a question. Anyway, you have an appointment at that nice little coffee shop at noon, so don’t you dare be late! Enjoy your run and have a good day! I’ll be sure to visit again before I go back to Argentina! Bye bye!” The brunet leaves the screen with his signature peace sign.

“I swear to God Oikawa if you set me up on a date I will track you down and strangle you…” He sends the promise in a text, receiving only a winky face back. 

Sighing, he follows his friend’s instruction and changes into his running clothes, grabbing a granola bar as he heads out the door.

It was weird leaving without his running partner. He had gotten so used to the company, no matter how subtle or bold it was. It was nice.

He runs anyway, trying hard to keep up the good routine he’s starting to build. The music is louder in his ears today, working as motivation for him to keep going. 

Without even noticing, he runs further than normal: over halfway around the lake before he even contemplates stopping. Deciding he needs a break, he slows, finding a spot with no one in view to rest.

He stays quiet, watching the still water shimmer in the sun. A fish swims to the top for food, disturbing the smooth surface.

Being alone by himself gave him plenty of time to think about what happened the day before. It had stirred a lot of emotions, both good and bad. Overall though, he had gotten so much closure. Things might never be the same between him and his old teammates, but they were better. That was enough for him.

A group of people come into view and he decides to get up, not wanting to be awkward. He starts again, going in the opposite direction of the group to finish his lap around the lake. 

“Hey hey! Isn’t that the dude from Karasuno? Suga-something-or-other?” A loud voice calls behind him, making him stop to see who it was.

“Don’t be so loud, Bokuto-san. It’s disrespectful.” A charming guy scolds his friend. “And his name is Sugawara-san. Come on, he probably has places to be. Let’s go.”

It surprises him to see Bokuto and Akaashi, Fukurodani alumni, wandering around in Tsukuba. Still, he doesn't bother to stop and chat with them. He didn’t really get to know them during high school.

He takes a long shower once he gets home, having skipped the task before he went to sleep the night before. 

It’s almost 11 by the time he changes into normal clothes and eats the food Oikawa left for him. He wasn’t looking forward to the “appointment” his friend set up for him. For all he knew Oikawa had planned the perfect murder and he was about to walk right into it. You never know with that guy. 

He keeps moving, cleaning up all the blankets and pillows from his friend’s sleepover, putting them all through the wash. It doesn’t take very long for everything to be clean again. He was actually starting to enjoy cleaning. That thought makes him feel old.

It’s quarter to 12 when he leaves the apartment, giving himself plenty of time to get there. The day wasn’t very cool, the sun keeping the temperature comfortable. He doesn’t bother to wear a coat, sticking with a dress shirt and tee instead.

The scenery outside was becoming breathtaking. The leaves were turning quickly, trees looking like they were made of fire because of the vibrant colours. 

Local shops were filled with fall decoration, window displays with added knit clothing to suit the fashion.

It makes him happy when he sees the shop, the windows painted with the scenery of the lake that the area surrounds. It looks good. 

He goes in, walking straight to the counter to get his order. The person helping him is a new staff so he gives him the actual order to help the girl out. He talks with the other workers too, all of them nice as always.

His phone buzzes in his pocket with a call while he’s waiting for his drink and he answers.

“Yes, Oikawa?”

_ “Oh good, you answered! Are you at the café like I told you to?” _ The male sounds extremely excited, which scares him.

“Yeah. What the heck is this ‘appointment’? I feel like you’re planning to kill me or something.”

_ “Why would I want my Suga-chan dead? Anyway, look around the shop.” _ The student does as he’s told.  _ “See anyone familiar? There’s a certain setter that’s at one of the tables. You two are hanging out today! Have fun!” _

“Wait, Oikawa-” The brunet hangs up on him, pissing him off. Seriously? He catches a pair of green eyes on him, glasses a little foggy from the warm drink. 

It was Akaashi. He almost looked as shocked by the arrangement.

Cautiously, Suga brings his coffee over to the table. “Um, hey Akaashi-kun.” He waits to be invited to sit before getting comfortable.

“Ah, Sugawara-san. This is… surprising.”

“Oikawa got you into this, so I’m sorry about him.” He bows his head a little.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Though he is very interesting. Anyway, how are you doing?”

They exchange small talk for a while until the big question comes up.

“So… how do you know Oikawa in the first place? You wouldn’t have played each other in high school.” That part had been confusing him. 

“Well, I met him through Bokuto-san. They both play professionally and you know him. He’s loud enough to be heard anywhere.” The pretty setter sighs with a smile when he thinks of his boyfriend. “They went for drinks after a game and Bokuto-san forced me to go with them.”

They both chuckle at the behaviour of the reckless spiker. It didn’t really surprise him, even though he barely knew the old captain of Fukurodani.

“Oikawa thought it would be a great idea if, and trust me, I didn’t want to go along with this, he put together a ‘pretty setter squad’. Kenma-san is in it too, as well as Semi-san and Shirabu-san that used to play for Shiratorizawa and Atsumu-san that plays with Bokuto. I’m surprised he let someone from his enemy team join.”

“What about Kageyama? I’m guessing Oikawa still hasn’t gotten over that rivalry…”

“Nope. He’s still a poor sport over all that.”

“God, what a baby. Everyone except you and Kenma-san has beaten him and he’s not bitter about anyone except Kageyama.” He feels embarrassed at the pettiness.

The pair sits in quietly for a bit, finishing off their drinks. Akaashi was much more his personality type and it was a bit of a nice break from the energetic but extreme Oikawa. He knew when to take pauses in the conversation, not forcing them at all. 

“What about you? How did you meet Oikawa?” 

“You could say he literally barged into my life. At midnight, like the asshole he is. He did it to bug me to go to the Karasuno reunion after he got begged to by Hinata. We ended up getting along and that’s kinda it.”

Akaashi’s eyes widen a bit, but he doesn’t question him for information on the reunion. 

They keep talking for another half hour, bringing up work and school, before both getting a text from Oikawa in a group chat titled “Pretty Setter Squad”. Was this guy seriously a professional volleyball player?

“What is this chat?”

“Ah, yes.” Akaashi looks at him with a tired smile. “Welcome to hell. Also known as the setter chat. There’s usually a lot going on in it so I wish you luck.”

The new text was pretty demanding and probably very confusing to anyone who didn’t know what was going on.

**The Pretty Setter Squad**

**[The Ringleader]**

Welcome to the newest member of our wonderful organization **[1:47]**

He is slowly being integrated and is spending all of today with the lovely

Aka-chan!

Have fun Suga-chan!

**[Salty Jerk]**

Don’t message everyone about whatever dumb shit you’re doing **[1:48]**

Piss off

The setter pair look at each other. Not only was Oikawa making them have coffee, though it was nice, he also wanted them to go spend the rest of the day together. He must be crazy.

Sugawara sets his head on the table, done with his friend. “I’m so sorry he’s making you do this,” he groans. “You probably have stuff to do today, not to mention Bokuto-san will probably be done with his run by now.”

“I mean, I don’t mind. Bokuto will probably want to join though, knowing him. Also, I can help you get used to everyone in the chat. You’ll need it.”

“Only if it’s okay with you. I don’t know why he’s roping you in on all this, I have a lot of problems so I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to be around me, and trust me you don’t have to. Just tell me and I can go back to my apartment and-”

“Suga-san. It’s okay. I don’t need a whole lecture on why I shouldn’t be friends with you. Most people do the opposite, actually. Bokuto-san will meet us here soon, and we can hang out for the day. As long as that’s okay with you?”

Lifting his head, Suga smiles sheepishly. “Sorry… But sure, I guess. I don’t have to work tonight so time won’t be an issue.”

“Great. That will be nice. I will warn you, Oikawa will probably-”

“Akaaghshii!” A loud voice rings through the building, scaring the shit out of the grey-haired male. Akaashi doesn’t flinch. The poor soul has probably been tortured by that to the point of not caring.

The mentioned male sighs. “Not so loud, Bokuto-san. Be respectful, remember?”

“Yes, Akaashi. Hey! It’s Suga-san! What’s up, man?” The new member of the group makes himself comfortable, plopping down in a chair next to his boyfriend. 

“Um, not much I guess?” It was awkward all over again, the Karasuno alumnus unsure how to react to the sweaty and energetic male. He had more energy than Oikawa. His maintenance levels seemed very high too. Not much different from high school.

“Aw, come on, tell me more! What were you and my pretty setter talking about?” His golden eyes watch Sugawara’s every move, both curious and analytical. 

“I’m not your pretty setter, Bokuto-san. And we just talked about normal stuff, school, work, Oikawa.”

“Oh, Oikawa was involved in this? Man, that guy is so fun. Plus he can hold his liquor pretty well! He sure knows how to party!”

Akaashi looks done with the loud behaviour. “How about we go shopping? We’ve probably disturbed the staff and customers here long enough.” He agrees, starting to put on his bag. Bokuto protests.

“Hey! I haven’t gotten anything though!” The tall wing spiker looks at his partner with puppy dog eyes.

“Fine,” Fukurodani setter sighs. “Buy yourself a smoothie and you can take it with us, okay?”

Delighted, the buff male grabs the money from Akaashi’s hand and runs to the counter, bubbling to the new staff member about how “kind his soft boyfriend is. Isn’t he just adorable? Isn’t he?” The poor girl looks so confused. Suga and Akaashi both apologize to the staff before leaving the café.

“What are your favourite places to go, Suga-san? Oh, wanna go for a run? We saw you running this morning, we can go for another-”

“Bokuto-san, please. I’m sure both of you have gotten enough exercise today, so please calm down. We’re going shopping, remember? How about we get you some new volleyball gear?” 

That piques the interest of the energetic guy, and he starts listing all of the things he needs. Sugawara debates getting new running shoes since it was becoming a new hobby, not to mention his old ones were basically falling apart.

The trio shop around the area, browsing through the local stores before heading to the small shopping mall, where the sports store was.

The rest of the day was fun, though a little awkward. The Fukurodani alumni were very nice but being forced to hang out ruined it a but. Great job Oikawa.

In the end, Suga did have to say that the day was a success. He got two new friends and a bunch of things when shopping. His wallet is going to hurt.

The group drops him off at his apartment once it starts getting dark and exchange goodbyes. 

“Thanks for today, I really appreciate it. And sorry again about Oikawa.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Suga-san! It was fun chilling out with you!” Bokuto starts to head down the street, letting him and Akaashi talk in private for a bit. The dark-haired male watches him fondly.

“I will warn you, this won’t be the last time Oikawa sets things like this up. I’ll imagine he’ll gather the whole ‘squad’ before he goes back to Argentina, so prepare yourself. Those are usually very interesting nights.”

“I’ll remember that. I guess I’ll see you later then? Good luck with school and work.”

“You too, see you.”

With that, each turns around and goes in their opposite directions, Bokuto waving from across the street. Suga waves back with a small smile. 

He goes up to his apartment, exhausted, and starts to unpack his bags. As much as he enjoyed today, he did wish he had the company of someone over the nights. He wanted Oikawa as a roommate again.

He changes into comfortable clothes and plops onto his bed. Even with the tiring day he had, sleep doesn’t come easy that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!
> 
> feel free to join my discord to get a little more insight and sneak peeks for future chapters! 
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	10. I Can Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga is growing as a person woo, look at our soft boy go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so extremely sorry for such a long wait! classes and work are just a pain, not to mention writing happy things when you aren't happy is really fricking hard. a oneshot will be out soon as an additional apology so be sure to check it out! it is very pure. anyway, thanks to Tor for being my great editor, stars know it needed it, and i hope you enjoy!

Sugawara barely hears anything from Oikawa for the next two weeks. His friend would check in on him each morning to make sure he was still alive then have to hurry off to something else. It hurt a bit, but he knew how busy the other setter was.

He had managed to chat with the Fukurodani duo for a little while as well, meeting up with them once for a run. Bokuto left both setters in the dust.

Classes had been going well, earning high grades on the majority of his assignments. His teacher constantly talked to him about “how much he’s improved in only a week” and was starting to annoy him a bit, but school was good nonetheless.

When he wakes up on Tuesday, he knows exactly what he’s going to do that day. Starting with his normal run, he’s now able to go around the lake twice before feeling like collapsing. He’s starting to get strong again, both physically and mentally, and can’t help but to feel a swelling pride because of it.

Looking in the mirror after showering, the male no longer feels repulsed by his reflection. His skin wasn’t as pale, a healthy pink tinge on his cheeks and nose. The bags and shadows under his eyes were also less prominent. 

He looks attractive now. He looks handsome and healthy, and alive. Not only that, he feels alive too. Before, he had felt like a corpse, making its way through the day, stuck in an endless routine of hatred. He didn’t feel that way anymore. 

Getting dressed for class, he makes sure to put some thought in the look. What would Oikawa wear?

He shakes that idea out of his head, remembering the interesting ensembles he’s seen worn in photos. The Argentinian player’s sense of style only emerged for others. Oikawa was not a good person to look to when it comes to fashion.

Deciding it doesn’t matter, Suga just dresses in something warm and cozy. The weather is starting to cool, especially at night, and no one wants to catch the chills.

He finishes changing and quickly fixes his hair. For once, he didn’t feel the need to wear makeup. It was a bit of a relief.

When he’s ready, he leaves the bathroom and grabs his school bag before leaving. There is plenty of time before the class starts but he forces himself to leave early, planning on stopping by the café for his breakfast. It’ll be a nice change. 

He walks slower than usual, taking in the scenery as he goes. The colours on the trees were finally starting to vanish, leaves dropping like snow. Each step he took made a loud crunch. A soft smile appeared on his face, which only recently started happening again. He felt his eyes crinkle and a tug on his lips as he chased the leaves in his path, walking onwards.

Getting to the shop, he sees one of the female staff redoing the window art, sending her a small wave. She grins back. 

The small, peaceful bell tings when he opens the door. It’s the newest staff member at the cash today but that doesn’t stop the rest of the crew from bombarding him with conversation. The chaos of it all makes it hard not to laugh. 

His drink gets handed to him from Okamoto, who rolls his eyes at his employees. Sugawara was happy, staying a bit longer to chat with everyone. A loud chorus of “Bye!” calls out as he leaves.

The art on the window was finished by the time he was walking past it again, a Halloween scene with skeletons and ghosts. Each monster represented a staff member; You could tell who was who.

The thought of him coming back again today to join in on the chaos makes him force down a smile, taking a drink of his coffee instead. Soon.

Out of time to relax and wander, he makes the short walk over to his campus. 

Events at the school are starting to pick up, parties being thrown and students fluttering about, talking about assignments frantically. Walking past the library, he can see the majority of the chairs are full. The workload is starting to pick up.

The class goes easy, the teacher handing back a stack of marked papers to each student before explaining how the course will get more difficult. 

Somehow, Sugawara was okay with that. 

He’s calm as can be during the class, taking his notes and staying on task as much as he can. He can do this.

That’s the first time he’s said that to himself in so long but he knows that’s good. He can do this.

He keeps reciting that even after his class, taking the bus to his work. It was busy at that time of day but he didn’t really care. He can do this. 

Getting off the bus, he starts walking to the restaurant. Pushing open the back door, he says it to himself again. He can do this.

With an envelope in hand, he builds up the courage to walk to the manager’s office and knock on the door. He was doing this.

His boss opens the door, sliding around in a rolling chair. Sugawara gives a slight bow towards his superior. This was it. All or nothing. 

“I’m here to hand in my resignation. Thank you for all of the experience you’ve given me as an employer. I really appreciate all that you can the other staff have done for me so thank you.” He hands over the folder to his stunned ex-boss.

“Well then…” The manager runs a hand through his thinning hair. “I should have known. You never quite found your groove here, I could tell you didn’t really like it.” 

The man stands from his chair and shakes his hand. “It was great to work with you these few years, son. I hope life brings you good places. You’ll always be welcome here.” 

Happy, though a little surprised, Sugawara thanks him again and asks if there’s anything else he needs to do. Will they want him to do shifts for another two weeks?

“You’ll be good to go. We have enough staff here anyway and I’m sure you already have a job lined up. Just make sure to say bye to the staff, they’ll miss you.”

He bows again. “Yessir. Thanks again for everything.” 

He gets a pat on the back and leaves at that. Stepping out of the dreary basement, he beams. He did it.

With just one more job to do that day, he heads back to the coffee shop. 

When he hears the bell ding for a second time that day, he smiles again. The grin was almost permanent on his face today. 

“Suga-san! You’re back!” The staff bubble around him again. This was where he belonged, a hundred percent. 

“Yeah, I’m here to hand in my application.” He passes a different envelope to Okamoto. 

Everyone watches dumbfoundedly as the man starts to cry. Employees gather frantically to ask if he’s okay, customers starting, confused. 

“Finally!” Without any warning, the owner tackles Suga into a hug. “I’ve been wondering how long it’d take you to join us here. Geez, you were at that high end, stuck-up restaurant for forever!” 

The gray-haired male feels his face heat up over the prolonged hug. Finally realizing what he was doing, Okamoto lets go, even more embarrassed as he apologizes to both him and the customers. It makes his staff laugh at him.

“Ahem, anyway. When can you start? We can get you going with training right now if you want!” The abrupt question startles him.

“Aren’t you going to look over my resume?”

“Nah, we don’t need that from you. You’re good to go! Let’s do this!” Even though he was a handful of years his senior, Okamoto’s behaviour resembled first-year Hinata at training camp: overly energetic and fidgety. 

“Well, actually, I need to do some things tonight…” He scratches the back of his head, feeling a bit guilty. “I’m having my parents over for dinner and have to get things ready.”

Not looking one-bit crestfallen, his new boss looks at him with sparkling eyes. “Of course! Whenever it works for you! Just text me tomorrow!” 

Proud of himself, he goes on his way. After all, he had a dinner to prepare and an apartment to clean. He couldn’t remember if he even had a matching dish set anymore. His mother was going to nitpick the hell out of things.

It’s been almost a year since he’s even seen his parents. This would be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright! it is short for how long it took me to write but the next chapter will have lots of stuff in it! Suga's parents and more of the setter squad, anyone? anyway, hope you liked it!
> 
> Be sure to join my Discord!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	11. What's Wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we meet the sugawara parents, happy suga turns to sad suga, lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading again! sorry about the long wait (this chapter is a bit longer to make up for it). a huge thanks to Tor (It_Got_Worse) for editing, this chapter would have been a mess without you. 
> 
> also though! Since You've Been Gone is almost over! there are 4 chapters left in this story before i move on to writing the other stories in this series. i appreciate you all for all your support and i can't thank you enough! this story has been a great writing experience and now i have the confidence to keep sharing my stories, so thank you all!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this chapter!

After running to buy groceries and a proper dish set, Sugawara moves to running frantically around his house instead.

He has no idea what to make, let alone how to make it. The only thing he can cook is noodles. From an instant ramen pack. It is a sad life.

His mother’s always been fussy with him. She would overprotect and occasionally over involve herself in his life. It was honestly a miracle that she was able to let him live alone without seeing him for a year. It was impressive.

His father was far more lenient and carefree. He could see his love for sports and accept it with no problem, always telling Mom “It’s good for him to have a hobby. Besides, it’ll make him stronger!” His mom was always worried about him getting hurt.

In the end, though, they cared about him so much. He felt pressure to please them because of this but knew that they’re happy as long as he is. That made him feel a bit worse.

So he stays in the kitchen, leaning over the counter while trying to think of food to make. Drawing a blank and as a last resort, he calls Oikawa.

_“Suga-Suga!! What’s up my sweet, sweet setter?”_

“Hey, Oikawa, my parents are-” The person on the other end of the line cuts him off.

_“Ah ah ah~ You have to say something charming about me first!”_

“You’re a great friend, now can you-”

_“Don’t compliment him, Sugawara! He’s trash!”_ Iwaizumi interrupts him this time, but only for the sake of insulting his boyfriend. Couple goals, he had to say.

The comment causes him to be silenced by the bickering between the two before the focus gets brought back to the call. He can’t help but laugh.

_“Meanie, Iwa-chan… Anyway, what’s your problem? I, being my amazing and generous self will do my best to help.”_

_“Stuck-up asshole.”_

_“Stop being so mean, Iwa-chan! Sorry, continue?”_

“Um, my parents are coming over for dinner and I have no clue what to make. Not to mention, I kinda suck at cooking.”

_“Oh God… You wouldn’t think to plan before? But trust me, I know you can’t cook for shit. You live off of instant ramen when I’m not there to make food for you.”_

“You don’t need to call me out like that, I’ve gotten better. I can kinda make eggs now…” Suga can hear Oikawa facepalming out of disappointment.

_“What foods do they like then? You can’t go wrong with that. But for the actual cooking part, trust me, I doubt your mom will sit back and let you do all the work.”_

“How do you know my mom like that? Don’t tell me you’ve been messaging with her.”

_“I haven’t, don’t worry, but I’m sure she’d love me! Don’t you dare make a comment, Iwa-chan, I know you were going to, I saw your face there. Don’t do it.”_ His focus gets reined in again. _“What are their favourite foods? Anything with eggs you could make?”_

“They like eggs a lot…” He pauses to think. What did his parents like? He couldn’t remember. “They’ve never been into super complex things, I think, so that’s good for me.”

The call goes quiet for a bit, all three of them trying to think of something even Sugawara could make.

_“What about Tamagodon?”_ Iwaizumi chimes in, nicely this time. _“It’s pretty easy, and it can be simple or more complex depending on what you put in it.”_

“That’s… a pretty good idea. I don’t think it takes too long either. Thanks, Iwaizumi-san.”

_“No problem, glad I could help.”_ The ex-ace quiets down again and Sugawara assumes he’s moved off to do something else.

_“Perfect!”_ Oikawa sounds proud of himself even though he wasn’t the one who thought of the idea. _“I think I have a recipe for it, give me a sec.”_

There’s shuffling around and a large bang on the other end of the line. Iwaizumi yells at his boyfriend again. It’s Suga’s turn to facepalm. He’s friends with such a dumbass.

_“Found it! I’ll take a photo of it and send it to you! Don’t freak out about it, okay? You got this, there shouldn’t be any problems as long as you follow the recipe.”_

“Alright, thanks Oikawa. Oh, and thank Iwaizumi-san for me too. I’ll let you guys get back to whatever, thanks again. Call tomorrow?” Their morning calls were starting to deplete, he wants to confirm at least one more.

_“Sure! See you, Suga-chan!”_ The line drops dead and beeps as the call ends.

He stays there, bent over the counter while waiting for the image of the recipe to send. He’ll probably have to go back out and grab more ingredients depending on what it needs.

The image sends and he reads it over, seriously skeptical of his skills. Even though Iwaizumi said this was a pretty simple dish, half of the vocabulary used made no sense to him. He has a lot of work to do.

In the end, he has to go to the store again, struggling for a while to find the Dashi powder. He still isn’t used to going to stores yet and has no clue where everything is anymore.

Since there is still quite a lot of time before his parents are supposed to get here, he starts cleaning instead of preparing food. That was at least something he knows how to do.

Like how he normally starts his cleaning routine, he runs loads of laundry first, then sweeps and dusts with everything out of the way.

Cleaning goes much faster now that he’s figured out the whole rhythm of it and is quite therapeutic for him. Too bad he never has enough motivation to do anything whenever he gets bad again, or else it would really help. His brain is his worst enemy.

When Sugawara finishes, he’s tempted to grab a snack or eat an entire meal. His eating schedule is pretty messed up without someone to regulate it for him.

The only thing that stops him is the fact that he knows his mother will try to stuff him like a pig if he doesn't eat enough. That’s never very fun, he has to be honest.

With nothing else to do, he gets to finish his school work. The assignment was all about your improvement as a student, so it was kinda a tricky subject. He’s sure everyone has had ups and downs in their school experience, but none of them would want to bring it up, especially to their college professor.

He definitely doesn’t want to talk about his depression getting in the way of school and life in general, but he knows that it is a big part of his life. That makes him hate it even more than usual.

Knowing he’ll have to include it in the end, he starts working on it. The professor’s outlines were always ridiculous and extremely time-consuming to fill out.

He’s hard at work when a knock on the door startles him out of his motivation spree. Quickly putting everything away into his backpack, he rushes to open the door.

A small lady with hair similar to his jumps onto him, pulling her son into a hug.

“Oh, Kōshi! How are you? My, your place is clean as ever, good, good.” Like a small hurricane, his mother runs around the apartment as she inspects everything.

“Hisana, dear, leave his apartment alone, he doesn’t want you snooping around.” His dad stands tall beside him while patting his back as a greeting. “You’ve been doing well?”

“Things have been pretty good. What about you two? Life is good back home?”

“Same for us, nice and quiet.” He leads his family to the seating area to talk.

“You would know that if you came and visited more. Or at least called.” His mom, like a little kid, was pouting in his direction jokingly. “We miss you Kōshi, we barely know our son anymore.”

He feels a layer of guilt sink into him. His parents are unhappy with him, they are mad at him, he disappointed them.

“You know how busy he is, dear. He’s a grown-up now, with a job and classes and a life other than his parents.”

“And maybe a boyfriend?” The question startles him and makes his dad laugh. He should have known that she was going to ask that sometime.

“Sorry to disappoint, but there’s no boyfriend.” The best thing about his parents was that they knew about and fully accepted his sexuality. As long as he had someone that would be at his side no matter what, that was enough for him. He knew some of his friends didn’t have that luxury.

“Awe, come on! You’re almost out of school, I want a son-in-law!” His mother started going on about how she might be dead before he even finds a partner, mentioning grandkids multiple times.

The young man just sits there, his face as red as a tomato, as the woman continues to blabber away. His father keeps laughing at his embarrassment, making little effort to stop his wife.

“You know, I’m sure that Sawamura boy would still be willing to go out with you, the two of you lasted a long time and seemed to work well together. I wouldn’t mind having him as your partner, such a nice boy he is.”

“I’m afraid that won’t happen, Mom. There’s a reason we aren’t together anymore in the first place.” He never told them what really happened, Kōshi knew they would just snoop into it.

“Ah, well, that’s alright, son.” His father changes the topic. “What’s the plan for dinner?”

“Oh, Hiraku, only ever thinking about your stomach. I’ll help cook though, let’s go.” Up on her feet and buzzing around again, the small woman pulls her family out of their chairs with her.

It would be a tight fit with all three of them navigating through the kitchen so his father decides to sit out of the cooking part.

“Probably for the best, you burn everything you touch,” his mother scolds her husband. “Come, Kōshi, what are we making?”

“I was thinking maybe Tamagodon? It’s easy enough that I can make it.” His mother tsks.

“As useless in the kitchen as your father. Alright, let’s get to work.”

Even though it was his kitchen and his recipe, it definitely was his mother’s dish. It didn’t matter to her that this was an unfamiliar kitchen to her and that she had no clue where anything was, she was in charge.

It takes longer to prepare than it probably should have only because of his inexperience in the kitchen. He feels he was getting in the way more than he was helping.

Eventually, the dish is served and the family sits down to eat. Everyone says their prayers and eats in silence, the food filling despite the cheapness of it.

When they’re done eating and finish the cleanup from the cooking, it’s later than he thinks it should have been.

They sit back down on the couches and relax. His parents would be heading out to the train soon, wanting to get back home before dark.

Everyone talks happily, bringing up school and work and social life. The night is going well.

Until volleyball gets brought up.

“I heard you went to the Karasuno reunion? Good for you, how’s everyone doing? I’ve watched that Kageyama on television a few times, what a talented kid.”

“Yeah… He is really talented. It’s good he’s doing something he loves so much for a living.”

“You could have gotten that good, couldn’t you, Kōshi? I mean, you played on the team for a reason, so you had to have had some potential for them to want to keep you, right?”

He tenses up and so does his father.

“We’ve talked about this, Hisana. He did it for fitness and fun, no other reason. You and I both know he’d never be able to make a career out of it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

The couple argues back and forth, forgetting the son they were talking about was still in the room. Like he was getting choked, he sits there silently.

That’s all it took for him to get bad again.

His parents didn’t think he was good enough. He was a bad player. He was a bad setter. He was the reason his team lost. He was the reason Daichi cheated on him.

He’s a disappointment, he’s a failure, he’s useless, he’s a screw-up, he’s pathetic.

He’s falling.

Suddenly and without thinking, Kōshi stands up from his chair. The attention in the room gets drawn back to him and his parents watch him with confused eyes.

“What’s wrong?” his mother asks. “What’s the problem?

“I… I just need to use the restroom. Please excuse me.”

The arguing turns to whispers and he walks away, both parents accusing the other of upsetting their son.

The college student closes the door and sinks down to the floor, feeling completely defeated.

No tears fall from his eyes as he sits there, knees pulled into his chest. This is how they really felt about him, and he had to be honest, it really fucking hurts.

Not only were his parents disappointed with him, but he’s also disappointed with himself. He made so progress with his health and all it took was a few thoughtless words to break him again. He’s weak and pathetic.

Pulling himself together, he forces himself to stand up and go back out. When he does, both his parents stand up, about to apologize. He’s quick to cut them off.

“It’s getting pretty late, you don’t want to miss your train. You two should probably head out soon.” He gives them a forced smile, closing his eyes to try and hold back tears.

His mother goes to comment but his father shakes his head.

“That’s true. It was great to see you again, Kōshi.” The couple gathers their things and go to the door.

“It was good to see you too. I’ll try to call and visit more, okay?” The family exchange quick hugs.

“You better. We love you, Kōshi! Let us know if something’s wrong.”

“Love you too.” The door closes and he’s alone again.

He had forgotten how scary being alone was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and thanks again for reading! you're all awesome!
> 
> don't forget to join my discord for story sneak peeks, artworks, and great company!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	12. Little Things, Dangerous Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> slight trigger warning! for anyone that may struggle with self-harming, please read with caution or not at all. though there is no description of it and it does not actually happen Suga experiences the intrusive thoughts that might cause them. please do not read if it may negatively affect you.
> 
> a lot of sad suga, oikawa tries to help but it doesn't work well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for picking up the next chapter, I'm sorry that it's a bit darker. things will lighten up in the finishing chapter! three more to go! thanks to Tor for editing, and i hope you all enjoy. please read with caution.

The first thing he does the next day is call Okamoto from the coffee shop. He won’t be able to go in today, he’s feeling unwell. It technically isn’t a lie but Suga can’t help but to feel terrible. He lied all because he’s too weak to handle a few cruel words.

The next thing he does is decline a call from Oikawa. Even though he’s the one that wants to keep the calls going, he doesn’t answer when it happens.

He’s a horrible person. Now his closest friend will hate him and leave him. Now he’ll get turned away from his job at the coffee shop. Now he’ll fail his classes. Now he’ll lose everything all over again.

Losing everything is awful. It leaves you empty after you know what it is like to be full. It makes an unconscious, dead sea out of a once spirited and stunning ocean. It breaks you down after you’ve already been broken, leaving you as nothing but dust blowing in the wind, lost and drifting.

The worst thing though, the absolute worst thing about it is when you don’t lose everything. You may not even lose anything. It’s when you still have everything you did before but you still feel empty.

There’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing worth complaining about, but all you can do is drown in your own hateful words. Either that or alcohol. Sugawara isn’t sure which one is worse.

Knowing all of this, being an expert on the subject, he does just that.

He makes no effort to do anything after the calls. He lies on the couch, not hungry and not tired, just done.

The brightness and cleaness of the room poorly reflects his mood. He wants to close the blinds, to make a mess. He wants to show and see what he’s feeling, but he doesn’t have the energy to do anything.

Instead, he stays on the couch. His phone is on the coffee table, the tv is off. The only thing moving and making noise is his brain. Anything would be better than that.

He doesn’t know how much time passes as he stares at the ceiling, entranced by his thoughts. Frankly, he doesn’t care either.

When a video call rings on his phone, Sugawara can’t think of who would want to talk with him. He’s broken, he’s fallen. He answers blindly, not bothering to see who it is.

_“Sugawara Kōshi!”_ The voice screams through the speaker and he regrets not checking the contact. _“What the hell, man? We made plans to call, you can’t back out on plans! Not now, not ever! Do I need to suffer on a bus or train and come to talk to you in person? Is that really the only way I can contact you? Geez…”_

He instantly feels guilt growing inside of him. It gets bigger with each word his friend says as his long rant continues, the choking vines making their way through his entire body. His arms and legs seem to cramp up, his voice as good as gone.

With his friend not responding, Oikawa shuts up. He’s quiet when he asks _“Is it bad again?”_

The concern both comforts and tears Sugawara apart. On one hand, he’s cared about. He has a close friend that knows him and makes him feel loved. On the other hand, he rejects that friend as some sort of punishment. He doesn’t mean to and he doesn’t want to but he does. And it ends up hurting both of them.

It’s a harsh, double-edged sword. Things being harsh seems to be a recurring theme for the student. Maybe things just weren’t supposed to work out for him.

_“Suga? You better still be there…”_ His focus switches to his friend on the phone and he moves the camera to show his face instead of the ceiling.

“Yeah… I’m here Oikawa.”

_“Things are bad again, aren’t they.”_ It’s spoken less as a question and more a statement. His skill to read someone’s thoughts and mood always amazes him.

“Yeah…” He wants to deny it, to talk about how great things are right now, but he doesn’t have the energy nor the strength to even try.

_“Do you want to talk about it? Do you want me to come to visit? I can leave now and be there by tonight, it won’t be a problem-”_

“No.”

Oikawa gives him a startled look. It’s rare for him to actually be stern and irritated. He only tends to do it jokingly.

_“Are you sure? Someone closer by could see you instead, you could meet up with Akaashi or Semi or-”_

“I don’t want to see people right now, Oikawa. I’m sorry.” He doesn’t want to see people. He doesn’t want to rely on others to pull him out of every slump he hit. He doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone.

His friend can tell what he’s thinking by the look on his face, but lets him sit in silence for a bit. He lets him drown for a bit.

_“You aren’t a burden. Don’t even think about that. I can’t make your brain believe that instantly, I know, but I want to help. Willingly, I want to help you get better.”_

“It has nothing to do with you!” he snaps. “My life is none of your business! The only reason we even became friends was that you wanted to help the person that made me this, this mess, so he could see me again! How do I know you still aren’t trying to help him?”

Tears are rushing angrily down his face now, a terrible temper taking over.

“How do I know if you even care about me? How, how do I know that you aren’t going to pick up and leave once I become too much to handle? Because trust me, that’s happened to me before! First, it was my boyfriend, then my best friend, then my teammates, even my parents at some point! What makes you any different from them?”

It’s a wave of gross, wet anger. He’s crying and snotting and screaming. His voice is fighting against him, choking him while at the same time forcing the words out. He feels weak and broken and helpless.

On the other side of the screen, Oikawa is so desperate to help he almost looks in pain. He knows how hard Sugawara has worked to get healthier mentally and is now watching all of it crumble.

The thing that breaks him the most about this relapse isn’t the insults, the curses, but the fact that Oikawa knows that each and every one of these worries and fears is very very possible to Suga. He’s been through it before in such a harsh way. In his mind, anybody and everybody is just waiting for an excuse to leave him. Living with that in the back of your mind has to kill.

_“Suga, please. It’s okay. You’ll be okay. I won’t go anywhere, Akaashi and Bokuto and Iwaizumi won’t go anywhere. The coffee shop isn’t going anywhere. We are all going to be here for you when you need it.”_ He tries his best to get through to his struggling friend, and when he hears a weaker sniffle he thinks he does.

“I’m sorry, Oikawa. But that’s exactly what Daichi said to me. I just can’t believe it.”

_“Wait, Suga, don’t hang-”_ The disconnect tone rings.

It’s silent again as Sugawara sits alone on his couch. He wishes it was night time. Instead, it isn’t even noon, giving him the rest of the day to suffer. And suffer he did.

He spends the rest of the day ignoring calls from anyone and everyone, disassociating for hours at a time, and pacing into the bathroom then back to the couch.

The calls bug him and so does disconnecting from the world but the worst thing is the pacing. He knows why he’s doing it and is fighting with every bit of focus he can to not. He tries the ice cubes, he tries writing things out, he tries drawing the butterflies along his torso and legs. They all fail.

His brain fails at being happy, now it’s almost failing at trying to keep him safe and alive. It’s as useless as he is.

It’s a tug-a-war against himself. He tries so hard to fight every negative thought. He wants relief and happiness, he wants help and refuge, he wants this stupid guilt and frustration and emptiness to just stop.

Just once.

He pushes the thought away.

It can’t harm anyone but you. No one will even notice and you’ll feel so much better.

Suga knows he can’t. He won’t let himself be convinced.

You have the perfect opportunity and you just gave it away. Coward.

The battle continues and eventually, Sugawara locks the bathroom door from the outside and puts the key in an inconvenient spot.

It’s night by now. The phone stopped ringing, his friends giving up on reaching him. That makes him a little bit glad. Until he thinks of Oikawa.

He screamed mercilessly at his best friend. This guy more than proved himself as a friend but he still accused him. He still spat awful words at him oblivious to the harm it might cause. He’s terrible.

It’s with a shocking realization that he falls to sleep with that night.

This morning, he was just like Daichi was on the night they broke up. At least Daichi was drunk then, at least he had some excuse.

Suga? He was worse.

And the dangerous thoughts come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for hurting suga so much, but i hope this chapter was alright! thank you for reading!
> 
> please be sure to join my discord! you'll get sneak peeks into future chapters as well as chapter/story art by me every once n a while! it's super nice and cozy!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx
> 
> if you struggle with intrusive, self-harming, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. there are plenty of resources out there to help and you can reach them by call or text. please stay safe and healthy everyone!  
> suicide hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html


	13. Addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things start looking up for suga a bit. he isn't lonely and knows what the problem is now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure where to start with this apology since it's been almost two months since I've updated, but things have been rough, both with school and the global situation that's going on right now. this chapter definitely goes back to the "vent fic" idea i had going into this story so a little bit of a heads up there. it hits very close to home. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter and i wish you all happy holidays! stay safe everyone!

The depression continues harshly for the next handful of days. He doesn’t eat much for the entirety of the days, rarely even having something easy like crackers or cereal. 

The door of the bathroom isn’t unlocked anymore. The mirror shows him the skeleton he knew before, ribs sticking out so far they could be played like a xylophone, and the tiles carrying reminders of recent regrets. 

He doesn’t message Okamoto like he said he would. He doesn’t answer Oikawa or Akaashi or Bokuto. He doesn’t leave his house for school. He doesn’t do anything.

This becomes his normal again, resorting to the behaviour that grew unhealthy after the break up had first happened. It feels like shit.

It’s the middle of the afternoon, a week later. The curtains are closed now and the apartment is starting to become the dreary hellhole it was a few months ago. Things are going back to normal, though not in a good way.

When he hears the rhythmic knocking on his door, it almost makes him sick. Not that there’s anything to throw up in the first place.

“Sugawara, I know you’re in there.” Oikawa’s voice is exhausted. “Please, let me in.”

Suddenly, almost becomes does and he runs to the bathroom, blindly vomiting into the porcelain bowl. He can’t help the panic that overwhelms him. 

Neither can Oikawa.

It feels like hours long but within seconds his friend is kneeling beside him. Sugawara definitely isn’t a pretty thing to look at right now, but that doesn’t stop the brunet from clinging onto him for dear life. 

Suga continues to cough up bile as they both start to sob. He doesn’t question how his friend was able to get into his apartment and doesn’t have the energy to care. 

The pair stay on the bathroom floor, hugging and crying together out of horror and sadness.

“Oikawa-san?” A voice in the kitchen calls out. “We came like you asked, is everything alright? The door wasn’t closed when we got here.”

Akaashi’s voice gets closer and when he sees his friends huddled on the floor, pity rests on his face.

“Come on, you two. Let’s get Sugawara-san cleaned up. I highly doubt that throwing up would make him feel any better.”

He pulls them up individually, being extra careful with the fragile male. 

Oikawa gets sent out of the room to get clean clothes while Akaashi does a quick scan over the contents in the cupboards and drawers. Several things get thrown into the kitchen garbage.

Sugawara gets set up to shower and they leave him be. They knew it was probably the first time he’s taken care of himself in weeks.

They move to the living room, finding Kenma sitting on the couch. He’s focused himself on his GameBoy as a distraction from his discomfort. 

Oikawa collapses on the cushions beside him, making him jump. The older man is exhausted and anyone could tell. As soon as he had the argument with his best friend, he hasn’t been able to do anything productive.

“I’m sorry for dragging you two into this… It isn’t fair to you.” His head falls into his hands. “I wish I could just stop every single bad thought that’s in his head.”

“Don’t apologize Oikawa-san. He’s our friend too.” Kenma just nods, unsure as to why he’s even there. He barely knows Sugawara after all.

“I know… I just know he hates people seeing him like this. I just want to help him.”

“We all do,” Kenma comments quietly. “Anxiety is awful, so I kinda get what he’s going through with that. Though I always had Kuroo there for me and he, well, from what I’ve heard, was alone with intrusive thoughts for three years. I can’t imagine doing that.” 

“Fuck…” The group doesn’t say much else while they wait for their friend to get out of the shower. 

When he finally does, a bright shame lies on his pale cheeks. Sugawara didn’t want anyone else to get involved with his messed up life. He didn’t want to be a bother. He wanted Oikawa to hate him and ignore him and forget about him. It would be easier that way.

Instead, now Akaashi and Kenma knew of his breakdowns and his problems and how annoying he is and-

“Suga.” Oikawa brings him into another tight hug. “Please don’t scare us like that again. We were all worried sick.”

“Why can’t you just hate me?” he mumbles. “It would be easier for you.”

“Because you’re my best friend and despite what your brain tells you, I will never leave you. Now,” a small grin grows on his face, “what do we do when things are tough?”

“If you make me run I am going to kill you.”

“Same,” Kenma throws in. “You’ll have to pay for my medical bill.”

“No, not running.” Oikawa reaches into his bag on the floor and brings out familiar pink DVD cases. 

Akaashi looks incredibly disappointed at the volleyball player. “You’re kidding?”

“Nope! Movie time! Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses, let’s do this!”

So for the rest of the day, they watch Oikawa’s dumb movies, ignoring the elephant in the room. They would deal with it later.

When it gets late, nobody really bothers to move. Kenma fell asleep curled up in the small chair and no one wanted to wake him up. The end of the last movie fades from the screen as the credits start to roll.

They hadn’t thought through sleeping arrangements in the slightest. With some bickering, they decide that Akaashi will get the couch and Sugawara will share the bed with Oikawa.

Though it’s been a long time since Sugawara was in bed with another person, he half expected to feel a pair of arms wrap around him. It hurt his heart a bit to realize that it wasn’t his ex-lover.

Oikawa is quiet with his back turned to him, leaving him the opportunity to think without worrying about any interruption. Not that he hasn’t had enough time to think lately.

It’s odd. Your body can lack a sensation, a feeling, an emotion, for so long but still remember and search for it. It can be something good, or something bad, but if it becomes normal for you then is taken away, your mind continues to search for it.

Sugawara thinks about the love he had with Daichi. It’s been so long since it existed and blossomed and burned. But he still remembers. The memories don’t make him feel better, instead spiraling him into hurt.

Was it the memories that he was holding on to? Or the pain afterward? Was he really missing the moments he had with Daichi or had he just become so addicted to the suffering it caused that he couldn't let go of it?

Addicted. He was addicted to feeling broken and hurt and worthless. People treating him well was like people trying to take away the drug he had become so dependent on. 

“Don’t think so hard, Suga-chan. You’re going to hurt your brain.” Oikawa joins him in staring at the ceiling. 

“Right. Sorry. You should sleep.”

“So should you. Let’s worry about everything tomorrow. For now, you’ve made it another day. Be proud of that.”

“Okay.”

The room goes quiet again, and though his mind is still busy, Suga is able to find a little bit of silence and sleep peacefully.

This addiction had taken him hostage and made his life miserable. But he might have found a cure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i went a little deep with suga's thoughts today, an interesting theory in my opinion. it's actually a quite possible and maybe even normal thing for people to do.
> 
> hope you all enjoyed it! don't forget to join my discord!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx


	14. Ultimately

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> learning and peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost done this story, wow. that seems crazy to me, I'll be honest. sorry again for the long posting gap and a rather short chapter, but i hope you enjoy. things are finally starting to wrap up and be happy.

The next month was a struggle and learning curb for everyone. Sugawara had to try hard to do even the simplest things, and the others were doing their best to stay with him at all times. 

They had a schedule for who would be with him when and even had to reach out to the other members of the Pretty Setter Squad to see if they could fill in a spot or two. It was especially difficult when Oikawa had to leave for Argentina for training.

By the end of the month, they slowly eased off the days and nights spent with him, and he continued to get better. His physical and mental health improved after he realized where the problem had been starting.

It took work. There were a lot of times where Sugawara and whoever he was staying with were close to fighting, but they managed to hold it together. It was a good thing he had only roomed with Shirabu a couple of times. 

He was getting comfortable with himself again too. He went to work and school, doing his best to work out at least a few times a week as well.

One of the biggest steps he made was contacting a therapist of his own accord. Not just a school counselor, but a certified therapist that could help him. 

They were never like the awkward sessions that they showed on television with the couch and the notepad. He got lucky. His therapist worked hard to understand and accommodate the way his brain worked. The mental exercises he used were helpful, often involving some sort of physical work alongside it so Suga could relate it to old volleyball practices.

And volleyball. It was no longer something that daunted over him all the time and kept him up at night. It became a pastime that he and his new friends all had in common. 

The second thing he was most proud of was meeting up with members of the old team again. He had spent multiple days and evenings hanging out with Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Yachi, and Kiyoko, even enjoying the occasional drink for once.

One night after that month, he’s alone. But this time it isn’t a bad thing. He isn’t alone in a dark apartment, drowning in pain like he used to. He’s outside, on the edge of that beautiful lake he had first gone to with Oikawa, breathing in the fresh air and good thoughts.

The breeze is nice. The water is nice. The life around him is just nice.

Sugawara’s learning. He’s learning how his mind worked and how to take care of it. He’s learning to fight instead of giving up. He’s learning to appreciate the experiences he’s had, good and bad, and use them as motivation to continue living.

“It’s nice to breathe again.” He isn’t talking to anyone, just himself. It’s snowy and cold outside in mid-January, a frosty cloud forming each time he exhales.

The cold wasn’t bothering him like it would have when he was skin and bones. He was bundled up and warm and alive. That’s all he could ask for.

Eventually, the cold became too strong for his coat and scarf, burning his nose and cheeks. Sugawara heads back to his apartment in the dark, footprints trailing behind him. He hums a little tune as he goes along the snowy path.

That night he lies in bed, content as he whispers to himself.

“Ultimately, I believe I’ll be okay.”

And that’s when he knew that he wanted to get better and he almost had. His addiction was losing. He’s going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading and i hope you stick around for the final chapter! this also may not be the last story in this AU that I've set up, just letting you all know. we'll see!
> 
> don't forget to join my discord! it's still pretty small and quiet but i do my best to post updates on chapter progress!
> 
> Discord: https://discord.gg/w6RsNPx

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, be sure to leave comments and feedback if you have anything you'd like me to think about or add!


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